Friday, June 1, 2007

Movin' on up

Since finding the words to describe my own discontent to myself I actually have felt less anxious about it. However, this morning when I walked into the kitchen to make myself a peanut butter sandwich for breakfast I was hit with the usual sense of guilt and furtiveness as I saw that Lupe had already washed the knife I'd used to make daughter's lunch a half hour earlier. ~deep sigh~ I fled back to the office as quick as I could.

The big news of the day though is that dh and I have finally moved into a room that can truly be called our own. We have enough storage space in the closet for our things that hang to hang, enough drawers for things that fold to fold. There is room in the bathroom for our toiletries to be shelved without fear of falling into the unflushed toilet. The only drawback is that it is bright in the morning. The coziest place for our bed faces the clerestory windows (a type of window which I happen to hate) so this morning I was awake earlier than usual, not that there is anything wrong with that. And, though it is too soon to call it, dd slept in her own room across the patio all night long. And she was happy when she woke up.

Of course, if we follow the current plan we'll only be living in this room, in this house for about another 4-5 months. Although I am ready to move on, I am worried that dd will be traumatized by the arrival of her new sister and the departure from her childhood home in quick succession. We're not going very far but the change will feel drastic to her nonetheless. She'll be changing schools, saying goodbye to her maids (with whom she has no issues), she will no longer be the cute owners' daughter cooed over by a stream of friendly strangers. She won't realize it for a long time but her life is about to get normal.

So I'm reading books on parenting, taking her to an art therapist to try to clear away all her lingering sadness from 2006 Year of the Family Tragedy, talking to her as much as she'll allow about the upcoming changes and how she feels. I really wish I knew whether these things are going to help. I wish I had more confidence in the resilience of children. I wish I was more sure that I can shield her from any more tragedy. I wish it really felt like loving her was enough. Maybe that's how parental love is though, it never feels like enough, no matter what.

And finally that leaves me with what should I do with my birthday? I know it is up to me to make a plan and follow-through. I know that eventually I want to get some sort of necklace or maybe a ring with my three daughters' birthstones. I'm sure some would consider it hokey but I don't care. It just remains to be seen if this baby is born in August or September. But that line of thought will bring on another long post so I'll pause and get out of the office for a while.