Monday, June 11, 2007

The end of the world as I know it

Last night after the cat woke me up at 3:00 I found myself in that stream of consciousness that keeps me awake. After months of thinking only about how dd is handling this pregnancy, of all of our worst fears and high hopes that this baby is delivered safely into our arms, I finally wound my way back to the thoughts that had kept me awake during Wendy's pregnancy. How will it be for dd to suddenly be sharing me and dh? How will it be for her? I expect it will be a bit like the end of the world.

For nearly 6 years she has been our constant focal point. She has been the source and destination of most of our energy. Her interests have been paramount, her thoughts the only ones like them in the house. And now, we are closing in on the day when she is no longer the only one.

I know that we will each fall in love with the little girl that is growing inside me. It is impossible to imagine that we won't. But I expect that some days the love will feel less prominent than sadness, that she is not her dead sister, revulsion at that sadness, jealousy for the days when we were three, wistfulness for the days of reliable schedules.

And what if dd reacts to her new sister the way my brother reacted to me? Disbelief, resentment that never disappeared completely. Of course I don't really believe that she would fall prey to such a low condition, she is the light of my life after all, but what if? What if she blames her new sister for all the changes happening in her life at the same time? What if she thinks that had her sister not been born we would have stayed on in the life she knows, endlessly repeating our patterns, predictably treading water? I will try to discuss this with her despite her age. Will it help? Will it put ideas into her head she would not have had anyway? I'm thinking about writing her a letter, one to be opened when she is older, something to commemorate the first 6 years in which she was all that mattered, something to let her know that I noticed that the world ended too.


Naughty Dingo said...

Hey Mama, It is going to be wonderful. Not always easy, but it will be wonderful.