Friday, February 19, 2010

2010 Take 2 Take 2?

Well, how glad am I that when I wrote the last post I didn't know that at nearly the same moment in time my favorite pet, Ninj, was being chased off the second floor balcony railing and hitting the first floor hard enough to shatter his elbow into smithereens. At least I had a few days (the time it took for him to come out of hiding and then for the housesitters to see the damage and then get to a vet and then get a hold of me) before things took a turn for the grim and worried again. I realized the night I talked to K and she asked what course I wanted to pursue for his care that when people shell out crazy sums for emergency pet care it's only partly for the pet, for me I was willing to pay any price not to be consumed in grief, here of all places. I knew, viscerally, that if he died while I was away here I would not return to San Miguel for years, maybe ever. It would just be the final straw of pain.
But, he's okay. The surgery wasn't exactly successful but he did well and they are hopeful that he'll heal as well as he can so that the limb can remain useful to him. I've stepped down from red alert on that front although I do worry and I do wish I was just there.

The Bunny has had ups and downs at school this month, culminating in her bullying the boy in her class when he paid attention to her friend who is visiting. She dutifully apologized, I believe sincerely but the whole episode took weeks of gnashing teeth and questioning motives and basic drama.

This second run at a Happy New Year hasn't really gotten much momentum going has it? In addition to our poor housesitters' ordeal with the septic pump and the cat and the rooster who apparently is attacking everyone, my friend also had a miscarriage in January. It hurts me to think about how much I'm adding to her already heavy burden by just not being there myself and I feel like a louse for being incapable of taking real pleasure in San Miguel. Christ, this is so not how I had imagined this trip to be! I was totally unprepared for how hard being here would be.
Alison gave me a book about a couple recovering from losing their first child in the final days of pregnancy in France. Someone commented to them, "How sad, now France will be ruined for you" and I wonder is San Miguel ruined for me? It seems a character weakness for that to be as simple as that but I keep circling back to how it hurts to be here. Will my home be ruined for my friend? How could it not be after the series of calamities she's endured in such a short time! Will our friendship be ruined for her? How I hope not! It will be devastating and understandable, I don't even like to think about it but like everything dark and sad these days, it's all I can seem to focus on.

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

Happy New Year take 2

Okay, I need to start 2010 over because it was off to a particularly gnarly start. You'd think that being technically on vacation in Mexico in January things would be pretty sweet but no. Some combination of the gringo chisme of cheating husbands, kidnapped rich guys, cold rain, spare furnishings and oh yeah, my dead daughter's birthday anniversary all conspired to put me into the worst frame of mind I can remember being in since the dark days before we left Mexico. Ick ick ick! I kept telling myself to snap out of it, look on the bright side, count my blessings, be grateful, get over it, chill the fuck out - but it didn't work! Unbelievable! Next time I give the Bunny those commands when she's in a funk maybe I'll remember that sometimes it just doesn't work.
But today I woke up and felt okay again. Like a totally normal version of me being fine and generally happy, even though it is still POURING rain and it's chilly and our side of the house is not only sparsely furnished with spotty internet signal but it's also been taken over by Augustine who's chipping holes in the walls all over the place. Thank God huh? Seriously, if I'd woken up in the same mood I was in yesterday I don't want to think about how ugly it would have been especially without access to a treadmill. I only managed to remain even moderately sustainable for the past month because I've been getting so much exercise here but today it's looking like a day off, what with the flood outside and Auggie monopolizing our living space.

So phew. And this time like we mean it, cue 2010 -

2010 - Go.