Surrender to Inertia

Today could be the day.

2011-05-21T09:03:00.003-07:00

So it's only been about a year since I checked in.

A busy busy year. I don't feel like updating and doing some sort of Holiday Letter summary right now, just came because I'm stealing this poem from a friend's blog, it was too right to pass up. Thanks Jenn!

The Invitation

It doesn't interest me what you do for a living
I want to know what you ache for
and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart's longing.

It doesn't interest me how old you are
I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool
for love
for your dreams
for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn't interest me what planets are squaring your moon...
I want to know if you have touched the center of your own sorrow
if you have been opened by life's betrayals
or have become shrivelled and closed
from fear of further pain.

I want to know if you can sit with pain
mine or your own
without moving to hide it
or fade it
or fix it.

I want to know if you can be with joy
mine or your own
if you can dance with wildness
and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your
fingers and toes
without cautioning us to
be careful
be realistic
to remember the limitations of being human.

It doesn't interest me if the story you are telling me
is true.
I want to know if you can
disappoint another
to be true to yourself.

If you can bear the accusation of betrayal
and not betray your own soul.
If you can be faithless
and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see Beauty
even when it is not pretty
every day.
And if you can source your own life
from its presence.

I want to know if you can live with failure
yours and mine
and still stand on the edge of the lake
and shout to the silver of the full moon,
"Yes."

It doesn't interest me
to know where you live or how much money you have.
I want to know if you can get up
after a night of grief and despair
weary and bruised to the bone
and do what needs to be done
to feed the children.

It doesn't interest me who you know
or how you came to be here.
I want to know if you will stand
in the center of the fire
with me
and not shrink back.

It doesn't interest me where or what or with whom
you have studied.
I want to know what sustains you
from the inside
when all else falls away.

I want to know if you can be alone
with yourself
and if you truly like the company you keep
in the empty moments.

© 1995 by Oriah House, From "Dreams Of Desire"
Published by Mountain Dreaming, 300 Coxwell Avenue, Box 22546, Toronto, Ontario, Canada M4L 2A

2010-05-24T20:25:00.002-07:00

On my way home tonight I dared to believe I'm in a precious balanced moment. There I was, still sweating from taekwondo, a tiny pink pair of ballet slippers resting on a pair of ticket stubs from the local musical in the console in front of me, my lifeguarding manual on the seat beside me, library books, bathing suits and workout gear in the back, a husband and daughters I adore at home, a beautiful house and property that takes my breath away every morning. I feel so blessed.

Whidbey Island Half Marathon - AKA My First Race

2010-04-16T11:03:00.007-07:00

It was so fun! I so didn't expect it to be so fun! Coming into this run I felt like I'd been totally distracted and definitely not well-trained so it was a truly lovely surprise to realize that I was having a ball out there last Sunday.

Nick and I headed off-island for the race the evening before, leaving the girls in the capable (though somewhat anxious) hands of my dad. It was our first night on our own since the Bunny was born and as soon as we hopped in the car it felt like a special treat. Anyway, we picked up our race numbers and whatnot at the little expo and had some BBQ for dinner (it was fine but not great - when relying on Yelp you have to keep in mind that reviews are relative to the area you're in - let's just say Oak Harbor isn't a bastion of culinary delights). Our hotel was comfy and we slept really well with a bit of help from Mommy's Little Blue Helpers (AdvilPM). In the morning we were up and at the breakfast bar bright and early and I forced down a bagel with pb and a banana which felt like way too much food but was probably ideal. Since I had a plane to catch later in the day I was already thinking less about wanting to just finish and more about wanting to finish in less than 2:30. I knew my runs had been getting a tad quicker recently but they were with other runners and not so far so I wasn't counting on being able to sustain a faster pace on my own. And, my last half marathon had been harder than I'd anticipated and I'd injured myself in the process so I wasn't taking anything for granted.

We got to the start with plenty of time to hit the portapotties and mill around (happily I had tp left over from my last long run in my trusty running windbreaker since there was none to be had there). I don't spend a lot of running time with dh since we generally trade off on childcare and other than last year's Turkey Trot we've never started a race together so I hadn't thought much about how it would be. Turns out that he was typically tight-lipped and stoic which is fine but it did make me feel a little self-conscious that my inclination was to chat. Was I just feeling chatty because I was nervous? Or because everyone else around us was? Or because that's just how I am? Whatever the case it reminded me of a run we did together when he asked if we could not talk because he was trying to concentrate on running and my enthusiasm to see if I could keep pace with him and his vastly longer legs faded away. It wasn't a bad thing, I just realized that if I'm running with someone I'd rather feel free to talk (and listen when they reply) but I'm just as happy to run quietly on my own so that helped me set my pace as soon as we touched off of the starting mat. Dh immediately started moving ahead more quickly than I wanted to, I've been swept up in the salmon run starting line paces just enough times to be wary of getting ahead of my abilities, so I let him inch farther and farther ahead until he was lost in the crowd ahead of me.

The first mile was mainly a gentle rise and some flat, then the second mile was a long descent which really got everyone moving along. I was doing my best to keep it reined in tight for the downhill remembering clearly how my unconscious downhill on the Golden Gate Bridge was my marathon's undoing last year. But by the time we reached sea level for miles 3 and 4 I clearly got caught up in the group's energy and I logged the fastest 2 miles of my life at 18:06. When I saw that lap time I was so shocked at myself I dialed it back to a more normal pace, 10:32 for mile 5 and then forced myself to walk for 30 seconds at the 6 mile marker and also tried to pace along with an old guy who looked like he'd been running for 100 years and was totally comfortable with his slow and steady pace (he also had a big honking Garmin on that he was paying attention to). I was feeling pretty good but by the time I decided to take the walk break I had started to notice a little tweaky thing going on on my inner thigh which was new and since I'd woken up with a nasty crick in my neck and anticipated a week full of lugging and bending with a big emotional load on top it seemed nuts to risk killing myself on the run. So for miles 6, 7 and 8 my pace was quite a bit slower, 11:51, 11:30 and 11:00 respectively. Miles 6-9 were also steadily uphill and so even though my pace slowed down, everyone else's did too so by the time we hit Mile 8 I was flying past people who had smoked my way back in the first descent. I can't deny that I get great joy from passing people going uphill. It just feels so satisfying, especially when you overhear them gasping and choking and begging for mercy as you call out "On your left!" Slowbies like me have to savor every moment like that, it's not like I"ll ever be in any danger of placing so I don't feel at all guilty about a touch of schadenfreude.

Anyway, on the way up the three mile hill I'd decided that when I got to mile 10 I was going to push it hard and figured that even if I bonked then at least I'd be close enough to limp it in and still catch my flight. The scenery at this point of the route was really lovely, pretty farms with sea and snow-capped mountains in the distance. The sun was out, the marathoners had just caught up with us and since it was a dog-leg there was plenty to watch. I tried to be sure to hoot and holler for each marathoner that I passed (or that passed me) and it was energizing to see them flash a little smile as they heard me. And now and then the view and the sun and the breeze and the general vibe would just be too fun and I'd give a whoop of running joy and then someone would laugh or nod or flash a thumbs up and it was like this little feedback loop of joy that kept pushing me on down the road.

Now, the last three miles were all downhill and I'd made up my mind to toss caution to the wind and just let myself flow with it but I definitely had a little voice white-knuckling on my shoulder that kept imagining what I'd look like if I tripped. Road-kill essentially. But happily I stayed on my feet and my knees stayed strong, my IT band kept it zipped and the Hannah Montana song I couldn't shake out of my brain was well-suited to my breathing. It was just all pretty excellent.

By the time I hit the 13 Mile marker I was feeling the oxygen debt and it was took conscious effort to get my knees up. I really had to focus to keep pushing, it was like someone had attached a bungee cord to me and it would have been so. much. easier. to just slow down. So it was a little demoralizing to find a series of turns in that last .1 mile that kept the finish line just out of view, I don't know if it was intentional or just necessary to make up the full distance but I did hear myself cursing about it. But then - finally - it was there and all clear so I just doused the thought that I could totally puke and ran it in. Whew. It felt great to be able to stop and I felt totally elated that not only had I blown my goal time of 2:30 out of the water at 2:16 but I was even in early enough to get back to the hotel and take a quick shower before heading off to catch the plane.

And that's the way it was. Mommy's first race. :)

Go Fellow Runner! Woot! Woot!

2010 Take 2 Take 2?

2010-02-19T18:53:00.002-08:00

Well, how glad am I that when I wrote the last post I didn't know that at nearly the same moment in time my favorite pet, Ninj, was being chased off the second floor balcony railing and hitting the first floor hard enough to shatter his elbow into smithereens. At least I had a few days (the time it took for him to come out of hiding and then for the housesitters to see the damage and then get to a vet and then get a hold of me) before things took a turn for the grim and worried again. I realized the night I talked to K and she asked what course I wanted to pursue for his care that when people shell out crazy sums for emergency pet care it's only partly for the pet, for me I was willing to pay any price not to be consumed in grief, here of all places. I knew, viscerally, that if he died while I was away here I would not return to San Miguel for years, maybe ever. It would just be the final straw of pain.
But, he's okay. The surgery wasn't exactly successful but he did well and they are hopeful that he'll heal as well as he can so that the limb can remain useful to him. I've stepped down from red alert on that front although I do worry and I do wish I was just there.

The Bunny has had ups and downs at school this month, culminating in her bullying the boy in her class when he paid attention to her friend who is visiting. She dutifully apologized, I believe sincerely but the whole episode took weeks of gnashing teeth and questioning motives and basic drama.

This second run at a Happy New Year hasn't really gotten much momentum going has it? In addition to our poor housesitters' ordeal with the septic pump and the cat and the rooster who apparently is attacking everyone, my friend also had a miscarriage in January. It hurts me to think about how much I'm adding to her already heavy burden by just not being there myself and I feel like a louse for being incapable of taking real pleasure in San Miguel. Christ, this is so not how I had imagined this trip to be! I was totally unprepared for how hard being here would be.
Alison gave me a book about a couple recovering from losing their first child in the final days of pregnancy in France. Someone commented to them, "How sad, now France will be ruined for you" and I wonder is San Miguel ruined for me? It seems a character weakness for that to be as simple as that but I keep circling back to how it hurts to be here. Will my home be ruined for my friend? How could it not be after the series of calamities she's endured in such a short time! Will our friendship be ruined for her? How I hope not! It will be devastating and understandable, I don't even like to think about it but like everything dark and sad these days, it's all I can seem to focus on.

Happy New Year take 2

2010-02-03T08:33:00.002-08:00

Okay, I need to start 2010 over because it was off to a particularly gnarly start. You'd think that being technically on vacation in Mexico in January things would be pretty sweet but no. Some combination of the gringo chisme of cheating husbands, kidnapped rich guys, cold rain, spare furnishings and oh yeah, my dead daughter's birthday anniversary all conspired to put me into the worst frame of mind I can remember being in since the dark days before we left Mexico. Ick ick ick! I kept telling myself to snap out of it, look on the bright side, count my blessings, be grateful, get over it, chill the fuck out - but it didn't work! Unbelievable! Next time I give the Bunny those commands when she's in a funk maybe I'll remember that sometimes it just doesn't work.
But today I woke up and felt okay again. Like a totally normal version of me being fine and generally happy, even though it is still POURING rain and it's chilly and our side of the house is not only sparsely furnished with spotty internet signal but it's also been taken over by Augustine who's chipping holes in the walls all over the place. Thank God huh? Seriously, if I'd woken up in the same mood I was in yesterday I don't want to think about how ugly it would have been especially without access to a treadmill. I only managed to remain even moderately sustainable for the past month because I've been getting so much exercise here but today it's looking like a day off, what with the flood outside and Auggie monopolizing our living space.

So phew. And this time like we mean it, cue 2010 -

2010 - Go.

2010, Go.

2010-01-06T07:32:00.000-08:00

Welcome 2010.
Twenty ten seems simpler than two thousand ten and it also avoids comparison to where we

thought we'd be at this point in the future which is good since I'm nowhere near owning a

jetpack. Although I guess the present deserves some credit, all our internet/wireless/touch

screen technology is pretty cool.

Anyway, here we are in the New Year, finally past all the holiday cheer and otherwise. This

Chiristmas the Bunny finally figured out that Santa isn't really the guy with the sled but

just us grown-ups. I had totally forgotten to fill the stockings and then we'd used

wrapping paper that she'd seen in my mom's closet so that was that. At first she was upset

and angry that we'd lied to her but after a bit she agreed that it was more fun to have had

the time to believe in the magic and that she could just adjust her outlook to accept that

grownups aren't lying so much as trying to live up to the standard of Santa. In the end she

agreed to be a member of Team Elf and keep the story going for Alison. Phew.

Our visit with Mom was pretty tolerable. She was really good with the girls and didn't pull

any pouty moments that we've seen in the past. She's still pretty nuts and gets wrapped up

in these far-fetched solutions to her problems as a way to avoid making hard bbut effective

decisions. But Other than wanting us to meet her financial advisor to give her our sense of

whether he could be trusted or not (he can we think) she wasn't really looking for much

input from us and tat made everything a little smoother.

And now we're back in San Miguel for the next 6 weeks. It's okay so far. It's fun to see

old friends and new babies and eat old favorite foods. But I feel totally untethered and

aimless. I need a project. I wish I was able to focus in on each moment with my kids and

relish these moments we have to be together but sadly, I find it pretty exhausting to be

constantly looking at each little squiggle of drawing and watch and approve of every odd

little dance step and laugh at every dopey joke. I miss the structure of my life at home,

time at the gym where I feel like I'm at least staying fit as opposed to feeling older and

achier by the minute as I am here, the weekly flow of classes and whatnot. And I miss my

cat who I hear has taken to the upstairs and won't come down. He's just old enough that I

worry about his health taking the toll from all the strangeness. I miss the sense of being

a part of a community that I want to be part of. I know, wah wah wah. What a cranky way to

start of the year's blogging! But whatever, maybe it's just this morning, it's grey and

cold and yet another holiday (Three Kings).

I will go try to readjust my attitude with some yoga (pfff!) or at least to loosen up my

back which feels like it belongs to an 80 year old.

This moment in time is lovely

2009-11-10T06:29:00.002-08:00

Last night I was thinking, again, about how sweet life is right here right now. These little girls are so fun to have around, they are such goofy little characters each in her own way. The Bunny is reading up a storm now, she's into Garfield and hula hoop and double dutch. She still believes in Santa Claus although I think she's beginning to suspect it's not quite the guy in red that she's been imagining. She still isn't consistently interested in keeping her hair brushed or her body washed but I'm sure that the days of having to force her out of the shower are right around the corner.
The little Raccoon has gotten along for a long time on very few words though she clearly understands everything but now the words are beginning to pour out, seemingly unnoticed by her. She is such a cute little elf of a kid, always smiling, always ready to dance.
Anyway, thinking back to what was happening in our life 10 years ago it's quite a contrast. Dh and I were still hanging out with D in Bluff at the end of our long camping trip in Toady. We had Thurber and the VW but we hadn't yet moved to Mexico and the idea of having kids or how many or who they'd be hadn't really made it to the forefront of our minds. And imagining a life on one of the northwesternmost islands in the lower 48 would have seemed a totally random stretch. But here we are. And it's lovely.

So what will the next 10 years bring?

Halloween Eve Morning

2009-10-30T11:44:00.000-07:00

She certainly looks serious! Hopefully she's having more fun being Elphaba than she did becoming Elphaba!

Off to Shiz she goes.

Checking in

2009-10-24T15:52:00.004-07:00

Well, I guess it's been long enough since I've checked in, huh? It's been busy, I might have mentioned that!
Right now I've got a moment to spare because the girls are both crashed out for a nap. Not so unusual but poor Bunny, this is the second Saturday in a row that she had scheduled and canceled her 8th birthday party. Last week she and I and then Nick came down with a stomach bug on Friday which had us out of commission. Then yesterday she came out of school looking wan and pale and tired and proceeded to develop a fever that we couldn't ignore. Right now the big media buzz is all about the Swine Flu, H1N1 and it looks like that's what she's got. Her fever peaked earlier today at 104.4 and I had to put her in a tepid tub to take it down. Happily that worked beautifully and it went all the way down to the 100s. It felt like it was creeping up again while she napped so I'll be keeping an eye on it. So far nobody else feels bad, Nick is in St. Louis, and I've got my fingers crossed that little Raccoon stays healthy. It's kind of spooky being the only adult.

What else is going on? Well, I've been doing really well with my new workout schedule and I'm seeing results. I stopped the diet after about 2 weeks because I wasn't feeling good at all on it this time around. I'm not sure what was going wrong but I just had zero energy. But the weight training really feels like it's kicking in and I'm feeling good. I'm also taking part in a trial of a program which combines aromatherapy and hypnosis. I think it's a fascinating idea and, like the woman who has created it, I can't believe nobody put it together before. Anyway I'm starting out with the weight release program but I also have the fitness one (if anyone's interested). I feel like a bit of a poser, I'm not nearly as overweight or underfit as the rest of the women in the trial but I figure that it can't hurt to bolster my own willpower anyway.

Nick and I got the woodstove ordered and installed. So far we've only had a couple fires which burned off the nasty smelling coating on the thing and we need to get a real stash of firewood in. As usual it causes dh real pain to think of paying for something that could conceivably be gotten for free so I haven't ordered up any cords of wood. At least for now, while it's still pretty warm and the little room heaters are perfectly sufficient to cut through the chill.

Other house projects that have moved to the top of the priority list are rat-proofing the house. Last week I found a rat sitting on the counter in the kitchen. It was a horrible thing to see and gives me the willies just thinking about it. We also need to get a new post out for our mailbox which someone thoughtfully crashed into with their car about a month ago. And, though it will be sad for Xoche, I think we've got to close off the area under the deck. The chickens have taken over the space under there and I'm afraid that they'll lay eggs there. they may have started already. I will go under and look but with the rain and sick kids I just haven't had the chance to squirm in and see. But since the rat-proofing will have to happen under there too it's on the horizon. Fun fun, hm?

There is big fun on the horizon though. We've decided (and booked the flights) to go to San Miguel for January and February! I'm pretty psyched. I feel ready for a little Mexican time and I can't wait to catch up with my friends and see a brand new baby too. I keep finding myself daydreaming about eating at Torta Mundo, swimming at Taboada and weirdly, running on the track. That last I didn't expect to be sentimental about, but I guess in some ways that is where a whole new important part of my life began. In any case, I'm really looking forward to it. We'll stop in San Diego on our way down and spend Christmas with Mom, we're only there for a week which I'm sure will be just enough. It sounds like she's actually making some new friends and connections so I'm hopeful that our stay will be more pleasant than painful.

In the meantime we'll keep working on getting and staying healthy, the kids LOVE their dance classes, I love my TKD, Nick's been hitting the gym and is looking good, the pets seem more or less satisfied, the chickens are still freeloading. All is well.

It's (almost) All Good

2009-09-13T20:53:00.002-07:00

Busy. Busy busy busy. In a good way. But still, a lot to remember.

This week I begin my joblet as a swimming instructor. That's Wednesdays and Fridays from 2:45-as soon after 4:30 as I can get dry and dressed. On Monday and Wed I also have a new and improved hour and a half of TKD from 6:00-7:30. That is pushing the limits but I honestly do want to get that black belt so I'm in. The Bunny has soccer practice on Wednesdays too, so yes, that day is particularly heavily booked. And she's also thinking about a dance class on Mondays. As is the Raccoon on Tuesdays. Do we sound completely Americanized yet? All I know is that I'll be getting a lot of use out of that crockpot this fall. That and casseroles, most of which will look a lot like crustless quiches I suspect.

Dh and I started doing Atkins on September 1. He's going for a big loss, I'm going for about 18-20 lbs. Not really that much, I just want to skim off the pudge. If I'm done having babies I might as well get to a weight that makes me feel good sooner rather than later. I know I can do it too but I've already fallen off the Atkins wagon.

Whatever the reason, this time around it's making me feel like total crap. I'm guessing it's related to the cardio workouts I'm trying to continue. Or maybe it's hormones or maybe it's lack of discipline or maybe something more sinister Big Alison suspects being related to Wendy's failure to thrive. I don't know. But if I haven't already given up on it this minute, I'm pretty close. 12 days of fatigue and wooziness and not a single pound shed and I'm already bored to death of meat and salad and cheese. So, anyway, this isn't meant to be a diet blog, I'm not nearly a good enough writer to make that interesting even to myself, let alone my imaginary friends reading along. But I'll update if I think of it or if anything notable comes of it.

In the meantime it's back to good old Body-for-Life for me! Heigh ho, heigh ho... Now that I'm an employee of the fitness club and get to use the facility I'm going to make the most of the next 12 weeks (and beyond I hope but I work best with a deadline, don't we all?). So, children's health willing I'll hop in the pool for a little refresher course on how to swim tomorrow and then Tuesday I kick off my weight training. I'm really pumped to get back to a quiet set of dumbells and something I can count through on my headphones. I'm sure I'll be appallingly weak, last Wednesday at TKD I could hardly complete a single push-up (I blame Atkins) but that leaves lots of room to improve right?

So, that's the fitness end. Socially I'm feeling flush with new friendly acquaintances and even feel fairly secure about some new real friends, you know the kind, the kind that really last. It's pretty exciting. Facebook updates and the Dingos have kept me feeling pretty well connected for the past year of settling in but suddenly I've got my own social calendar too! Actual nights out and get togethers with other women my own age! It's very different here too. In Mexico we pretty much did all our socializing as a couple except for the odd cup of coffee or lap around the track. But generally speaking if I had a thing to go to Dh was expected too and vice versa. Not so here! Now and then we'll go out together to dinner with friends or have a couple over here, but more often than not it's all women or all men. And in this I've got the busier schedule than dh. Whatever the cause I've fallen in with a couple different circles of moms that keep regular meetings and so in the last few weeks I've had the pleasure of dinner and movie one night, drinks and movie another and a goofy sweet game night last night during which one member came out to the rest (even me who she'd never met before but I guess supposed I'd been cleared) as well as the odd run now and then with my RP and others with a group of women who go twice a week. So that is good.

The only thing I worry about is Dh's social calendar. Since we aren't included much in one another's social engagements it's hard to gauge how he's doing. I'd love him to have the same sense of being drawn in to the community but I worry that it's not happening. But maybe these things all go in cycles. I remember evenings in SMA spent watching chick flicks with the Bunny while dh was out playing poker with guys, an activity I never had a equivalent to there. And I guess he's a big boy and can decide how much or how little he wants to involve himself in, but still, I do worry.

And the kids, they're just fine. The Bunny has had a happy start to the school year, loves her new teacher, likes soccer, has lots of events on her soical calendar too. We went to Seattle to see Wicked last weekend (that was a thrill for me to watch her watching it) and this weekend she had her first ever soccer game at which she played hard and gamely. Then she had a sleep over and another is on the schedule for next weekend.... and on it goes. Right now she is awake however and coughing on the couch. I guess her school has already seen quite a dip in attendance and apparently her class was down by 4 by the end of last week. So it may be something to be concerned about, or it may be Sunday Night Flu. Time will tell. At least there is little on tomorrow's schedule that can't be ignored, it's one of the last days like that for a while so I hope this cough turns out to be nothing much.

And now I hear the other one protesting over the monitor. After missing her nap today she was out by 7:30 tonight but that's awfully early so I expect that this night will feel pretty long by the ed of it. And on that note.

The End

Another Beautiful Day

2009-08-19T06:53:00.003-07:00

So starts another beautiful day here in this new life which is so completely comfortable. I was walked out to the chicken yard by the two cats who were playing together all the way and the two geese who were trying to get a little of the chicken bucket action. The chickens flooded gratefully out of their coop and did some low stunt flying around their yard, I guess they are still only adolescent birds after all! The sun is just appearing over the trees, there's a soft breeze, the goldfinches are making a ruckus in the thistle and the girls are still sound asleep. Bliss, in other words.

We were off-island this weekend to see our old SMA buddies L and A and their sweet little boys. It couldn't have been a more American style backyard barbeque and although everyone seemed at ease it was still a little weird to see these guys out of Mexico. It was like their auras were flashing morse code about needing to get back to Mexico or something. Not that I can see auras but you know, you could just tell.
We also did some poking around at kitchen stores to get some ideas for countertops and layouts. We did come out of it inspired and with a fresh bead of energy to get to work on the place. We also bought some fancy dishwasher drawers to use but canceled the order when we got home and read some reviews about repair rates and quality. It was a sexy moment though, the thought of those fancy-pants appliances. In any event, we've got an almost complete floor plan for the space now that feels really good and functional so it was all worth it.

The girls are doing great. The Bunny is so excited about getting back to school. We bought her the typical batch of pencils, erasers, folders emblazoned with Miley Cyrus etc. and she spent a couple hours arranging and rearranging her pencil box and backpack. She has been assigned to the teacher she most wanted and drew this adorable picture for her, telling her how she'd been praying to be in her class. The spelling is heart-stoppingly atrocious but it's cute and I figure it gives the teacher a good heads up on where to start.
I had some parental pangs of knee-jerk "Hey! What's my brilliant kid doing in that class??" when I saw that hers is the split 1st/2nd classroom. Seeing as she's already done first grade twice but last year's teacher assured us she was head and shoulders above most of the class in reading and writing and basically everything but math it struck me as worrisome that she'd be back in a classroom, again, with kids that may not know how to write all their letters yet. And since she's one of (if not the) oldest kids in her year it also seems like an odd decision to put her in a room with kids who may be as much as 2 full years younger. So I will contact the teacher and ask these questions, but the Bunny is so over the moon happy about this teacher I'm not inclined to make a real stink unless the teacher says "Oh I have the class for cut-ups and dopes and she'll fit right in/she's there to be an example."

The Raccoon meanwhile is in preschool a couple mornings a week and LOVING it. Her best mornings are those when I ask her if she wants to go see Miss Summer. And this weekend she started using her potty! I honestly can hardly believe it though I hope my incredulity isn't showing. She just seems so young to be there. But she went to school in undies yesterday and did very well apparently until after lunch (not too surprising). We just bought another mega pack of dipes of course but I'll happily donate them to the Family Resource Center if she sticks with it. And her birthday is coming up. She does love her buddies at school so this year I don't think I can shrug off a real party. The Bunny has been buzzing around with her clipboard for weeks asking me if we should go with chocolate or vanilla, kitten theme or puppies, in the house or outside, with the water slide or no. I am a little hesitant to invite other toddlers over to our so-not-childproof home but it does feel like a bit of a failure to do this at a local park. So, TBD.

Post Marathon Void

2009-08-15T06:38:00.002-07:00

Did I really finish a marathon? Can I even claim to have run it seeing as I had to walk so many stretches of it? That was it? If I could do it, anyone could, nothing special. I guess it's a familiar sense of let-down to anyone who has been preparing and waiting for something exciting to happen after the event is over and unfocused life resumes.
It reminds me of childbirth, you focus for 9 months on this moment that you suspect may be to most difficult ordeal of your life, physically, emotionally. Then it happens and in the moment you're there, living it, getting through it. Maybe it doesn't go as you had hoped but there is little hope of fixing it in the moment, you just have to adjust to endure it. And then suddenly it's over and you're on the other side. You're a new person or at least you're told that you are. But life keeps on rolling. Maybe you get a day off, the rest of the day anyway, maybe the day after. But then, before you've had time to reflect on what just happened, there are things to do, new responsibilities to accept and you're off. And all that preparation seems like it was a lifetime ago, did you really even do it?

So now what? Well, I've got a list of course. During all those many hours of plodding around the roads I had many ideas come and go about what next. Let's see

Get certified as a lifeguard and help out at the pool
Focus on Taekwondo
Meal planning
Take the Bunny to see Wicked for a girls' weekend in Seattle
Watch every soccer game
Pick as many blackberries as humanly possible
Learn how to can food
Pick all the peaches and plums before the critters do
Help the Raccoon get out of dipes
Spend more time on the boat
Go camping with the kids
Do more bike riding with the Bunny
Ride my own bike w/the trailer more
Focus on strength and toning losing about 20 pounds in the process
Volunteer at school
Take the EMT training course
Finish the freakin' house!

That last one needs it's own special list. My Dad has been here for a little over two weeks and in tat time he has been busy improving our comfort levels significantly. He's built nesting boxes for the chickens, a treehouse and a seesaw for Chiara, he's built me a cabinet for my fancy wall ovens and helped us finish the last bit of the deck which had been untouched since last summer. He hung towel racks that had been in boxes since last fall and installed netting over the chickens to dissuade the eagles. All of these projects had been languishing hopelessly and now they're done! Now, can Dh and I keep the momentum going? We don't have much a of a track record. Before we had the kids we could grind out some real projects and did, but that was a long time ago now and our rhythm is way off.
But here's a list, just to help me focus;

Design and build posts/bookshelves for the living room
Sand and refinish the basketball court floor
Install the floor
Finalize the layout for the kitchen
Build the counterspace needed
Install the cooktop
Find a better kitchen sink and reinstall with sound plumbing
Rip out drywall ceiling in kitchen, rewire as needed and install tongue and groove/beadboard
Choose, order and install trim on indoor doors and windows
Choose order and install trim for exterior doors and windows
Paint exterior
Rebuild missing gable on front of house?
Build raised garden beds, in back for herbs and lettuce, in front for everything else.
Build garage/barn
Finish getting mega trash pile to dump
Get rid of the Pinto
Find appropriate hardwood for stairs and install
Install railing on stairs
Recarpet upstairs
Rip out crap tub and toilet from girls' bathroom and install decent shower.
Build a dock for the pond
Make decent paths to the front and back doors
Build walls for pantry and broom closet
Reconfigure laundry area to make space for folding clothes
Find and install woodstove before we need it
Figure out a convenient place to store the wood for it
Build the half post/bookshelves for both entrances
Get the Raccoon's bedroom ready for her to use
Paint fun kid stuff on the walls of the playroom
Make the downstairs guestroom into something functional
Install pedestal sink in ds bath
Finish pocket door
Install doors on interior doorways

I'm sure there is more.

Marathon Story

2009-07-29T11:21:00.002-07:00

Thank you all for all that awesome support y'all were sending out on Sunday!!! I felt every drop of that was coming our way and it made all the difference. Seriously, that run was hard. HARD. Really super unexpectedly beyond my wildest dreams hard. I mean, after my 21.3 miler training run that was so easy I seriously felt totally confident and like the marathon would be exhausting but basically totally doable and pure fun. But, in the real live moment my IT bands started locking down on me, first one side then the other at mile 6. Six! 20 miles to go. Twenty. Twenty miles.

I was thinking, "Really? Now? Here? On the Golden Gate Bridge? The part of the run that I was most looking forward to and my knees are locking up here and being all distracting and sinister?? Honestly?"

And my knees were like, "Yeah sure, why not party girl?"

And I thought, "But, this is my marathon! My marathon with my dingos and I've been training forever for this day, today and I want it to feel easy like I planned for and trained for!"

And my knees were like, "Yeah well whatever, this is how it is, suck it sister."

So I sucked it. First I had to stop even pretending that I cold run downhill at all, let alone like Jo who ran down hills like she was a stream on her way to her ocean debut. Then I had to admit that walking a minute at each mile marker wasn't going to be enough walking and that the sooner I started walking enough to feel like running the better my chances were of finishing in time. And so I walked a lot and limped a lot and stopped and stretched a lot. And it was cool. I walked backwards down the hills. I stopped at the bacon station. I ate a gu that had been dropped on the ground. I nearly cried when I found out the medics had biofreeze I could use. I talked to people who needed encouragement and thanked people for encouraging me. I smiled the whole way. I finished and I even pulled off a real live sprint to the finish wherein I passed a bunch of people and felt really good and like I won and I just barely kept myself from bursting into happy wiped out exhausted tears as I bent forward while a volunteer placed that medal around my neck.

And you know what? Right alongside the feelings of pain and denial and fear that it wasn't happening the way I wanted it to I was exactly to the same degree totally thrilled, exhilarated and overjoyed that I was there, running my marathon with all these other incredibly dedicated people, many of whom were sucking it as hard or harder than I was, all together winding through my hands down favorite city in the world for twenty six point two miles. It was awesome, fantastic, overwhelming and humbling and sweet. I giggled a lot at the absurd and fabulousness of being both sides of the coin at once and being fully aware of that. It was the cleanest experience of the yin yang I've ever had. Like, now I get that, I get the whole yin yang thing. I kind of got it before but during the race it was like I was running in a hamster wheel of yin yang and the black and the white just blurred together so there was no separation, it was just all complete.

And, despite the stupid pain I was experiencing there was one thing that rocked out completely. I am a hill climbing machine! Oh yes. I did not feel one iota of extra exertion on any of the up hills, I felt like everyone else in the race had been slowed down to half speed and I was the only one who still got to go at a normal speed, or even faster. Even when my legs were so sore it was like the pain was magically erased for going uphill. That was sweet, I just wish the whole race had been uphill!

Okay, the wide world of housework can wait no longer. And I haven't even gone on and on about how much I loved hanging with the dingos. It was the best time I've had since I can't remember. So many moments fighting to keep food from flying through my nose, such sore abs. Such good times.

More recent pictures

2009-06-09T11:30:00.002-07:00

I hardly have time to type 100 words let alone 1000 so here goes:

My birthday present!

2009-06-03T13:13:00.000-07:00

Happy times

2009-05-27T15:43:00.002-07:00

Last night while I was washing dishes we pumped up the volume on the Bunny's Hannah Montana channel and the girls danced around the kitchen. Then we all danced together to the new pop version of Kiss the Girl. It was just one of those moments that was such pure joy, everyone singing, giggling, the Bunny twirling around me and Ali G just throwing her head back,bouncing on my hip, a huge smile on her face. It was the kind of thing you see in some schmaltzy family movie but it was real, in my life, and it was awesome.

The Joy of Running

2009-05-24T14:42:00.002-07:00

You know, despite the fact that I've been blissing out on runs for the better part of a year now I still can't quite believe how much I enjoy it. It's such a simple thing to do really, just put on running shoes and go, so why does it feel so complicated when it isn't happening?

This week's log run was 17 miles. That sounded like a lot a lot before I went and I was kind of nervous about it even though last week's 15 miles went smooth as silk (until afterward but that wasn't really running related). Anyway, this week dh is out of town so I had our babysitter over and got a later start than usual, 8:30 instead of 6:30. It turned out to be a perfectly comfortable time to go. In fact, having the sun just a bit higher in the sky made me less concerned about getting clipped by a car since it was past the blinding time. And although it was the sunniest most beautiful day imaginable it wasn't too hot at all with the cool breeze coming in off the Strait. My route took me through the wide open farm valley in the middle of the island down to False Bay and then through some forested bits and back to town. In fact, the island is beginning to seem a little small. My relationship with this place has deepened with all the time I've now spent covering it on foot. There are few roads that I haven't run at least portions of and I've pretty well covered the eastern side of the island now. I'm planning on hitting the west side soon but it is quite a bit hillier so I'm still a little unsure how to approach it. The distances are longer and the hills bigger but I guess I'm almost ready to go for it, I mean 17 miles wasn't really hard, it just took a while.

While I'm out running I am sure that I will not stop after the marathon, it feels too good. But I do worry that it will be somehow harder to justify the time away from family if there is no big deadline out on the horizon. I guess we'll see. I'd like to start running on trails. I haven't done much but the idea of running through shady forest with pine needles cushioning the way sounds about like heaven, doesn't it?

We just had our friend Joan from Mexico come and visit. She is such a great person. She's 75 and full of energy and joy. Really brimming. She is so active and so interested she's just totally inspiring. While she was here she took my bike out a few times and each time she returned with a big old smile. She was great with the kids and helped out enormously. I feel we are so blessed to have her in our lives, I love that she shows the girls an alternative style to that of their blood grandmothers who love them but somehow seem to have failed on joyfulness.

Meanwhile, the Bunny has learned to ride her bike from start to stop all on her own. It is a joy to see her zipping around and especially to see her enthusiasm for it overriding the usual drama that accompanies any bruise or scrape. Her elbows and knees took a beating but she for once didn't mind at all, as long as she could keep riding! She's also shown herself to be an able businesswoman, she's raked in about $45 at her lemonade stand over the course of only maybe 4 hours altogether. Yesterday she rewarded her efforts with a stuffed animal she's wanted for a long time but she says she'd also like to put some money in the bank too. WHat a girl!

Ali G is continuing to be as happy and curious and adorable as ever. We have been to the beach a couple times this weekend and it's been lovely to see her getting used to the sand between her toes and the sharp coolness of the waves splashing her little legs. And now, speak of the devil, I hear her awake on the monitor so this will have to suffice for May!

Channeling Thurber

2009-04-26T18:43:00.004-07:00

Thurber was our old dalmatian and he loved to run. Recently I've felt very much like I'm channeling his spirit on my runs. Some days my runs have been just perfectly idyllic. It is so beautiful here on this island that it's hard to believe. Last week I went through this gorgeous valley with emerald green meadows dotted with alpaca, llamas, sheep and goats. Overhead there was a pair of bald eagles that appeared to be teaching a juvenile to soar. The sun shone (as it so often does here contrary to popular belief) and the yellow green buds on the trees were just vibrating with life and energy. If the animals had started talking to me as I slowly passed them I would have hardly been surprised.
Today I met up with my running partner for an 8 mile loop. Her marathon is next Sunday up in Vancouver and so she's tapering down the intensity to rest up. I had 12 miles on my schedule but yesterday we did a long (for out of practice types like me) bike ride on the next island over and so I had kind of thought I'd be too weary to do more than the 8 with RP. But, at the 7 mile mark I realized that although I could feel some soreness in my muscles it wasn't really that bad and that if I shirked off my last 4 miles I'd feel worse than if I ran it and bonked. So I peeled off of our planned loop and headed the long way home. It was harder almost immediately, running alone is vastly more difficult than running and chatting with a friend. But I felt proud of myself for continuing and it was another perfect glorious crisp sunny day which made it happier too. I finally lost all my steam at 11.5 miles but since I was back in my own neighborhood it didn't seem like failure. I know I need to pay more attention to better pre-run nutrition. Today's run was fueled with a handful of cheerios and yogurt, a couple cups of coffee, a couple cookies and a powerbar. Not enough for an afternoon run. And I still have 12 weeks before the SFM which right at this weary moment sounds like plenty of time to figure it all out.

Here are some of my favorite people.

2009-04-02T08:32:00.003-07:00

So, the Bunny's mood is HIGHLY sensitive to her food intake and when she gets hungry she insists that she's not hungry and doesn't want to eat so pretty much every morning I have to stand over her and nag her until she's eaten enough. Miraculously, after about 10 bites, her mood lifts and we can all go on with our day. But it's a battle every day and I'm sick of it. So this morning after she didn't finish her 1/4 cup of cereal in time to get the bus I told her that the consequence was no video for the weekend. Harsh huh? Yeah, I felt bad too but something's gotta give. So after that I told her that I really just want her to eat and I am sick of forcing her to eat stuff she obviously isn't into so today she can make up a list of foods, any healthy foods that she will eat and I'll make it, pinky promise. So the first request? Sushi. Should have seen that coming a mile away.

2009-03-27T13:50:00.000-07:00

Say CHEESE!

My little shadow lining up for a trophy too.

See the rainbow?

March Madness

2009-03-27T12:34:00.002-07:00

Nope. That has nothing to do with basketball. I just can't believe that it's already almost April and I have nothing here to show for it.
But it's been a busy month on other fronts.

I won my very first trophy at my very first Taekwondo tournament. I am, at heart, a very competitive person. I've known about this for a long time but I've never really found the right arena for that side of me. As a kid I loved to win but I didn't want to compete unless I was sure to win and so I didn't really compete in anything. Well, I was on the "diving team" but that was really all about having a great time early in the morning with my best friends, not so much about excelling at sport. All these years I held back my best efforts for fear that if I did my best and still lost I'd what? Implode? Evaporate? Disappear somehow I guess. Anyway, I can see now that I never truly did my best, I always always held back from going full tilt. So now I'm into Taekwondo. I'm still a beginner and I have a long way to go but I want to get that black belt. I want to be able to do all those crazy jumping spinning kicks. I want to be a total bad ass. And it's no secret either. So, this trophy felt good to get, I really wanted it, I practiced, I did my best, I won something. Sweet!

Also this month my Dad came out to help us move things along. He may have had ulterior motives for getting out of town for a bit but he also has a clear sense of how slowly projects happen around here without a firm deadline. So he and dh fixed our staircase. It had been to narrow, too steep and butt ugly. Now it is wider, shallower and on its way to being lovely. I was not involved. It was quickly obvious that three builders was one too many and someone still needed to keep the baby out of the way. That was fine but for one detail. Somewhere along the way the decision was made to build the upper half and landing out of plywood. Sturdy and code abiding but too ugly for prime time and that means carpeting. Now, I was in favor of carpeting that section but it never in a million years would have occurred to me that anyone would build halfway up with nice attractive hardwood and only halfway up. It's like something we'd do in the theater, but not something you do in real life. And it also means that the carpeting has to be wall to wall, I don't know how desperately I wanted a runner but that option is out now. And my thought that we could just live with the plywood for a while and then later reconsider is out too since every unseen surface of the new steps is covered in liquid nails.
So that carpeting? It's going to be nice.

What else? We've got our TV room to a livable limbo. It's done but we were too hasty when we picked the paint colors, reassured each other too readily that we an always paint over it if we don't like it. Well guess what? We don't like it. Oh well, there are certainly worse problems to have in a rehab right? And we're having fun with the new WiiFit even if we don't like the wall color. I've even had a couple of reasonably okay runs on the hamster wheel while watching movies. That does help the time go by!

And as for running, it hasn't been the best month. I had a mysterious acute pain in one knee that took me out of training for a few runs, then I've been sick for something more than a week which has dampened my enthusiasm. I actually feel fine when I'm running, it's just afterward when I suddenly feel like death warmed over. But, I think I'm close enough to the end that I'm planning just under 12 miles tomorrow with my running partner. I love my running partner. She is training for her first marathon too and we're are a great match for pace and temperment. Our long runs generally feel more like girls morning out than long runs. I'm just sorry that her race is coming up so much sooner than mine and I'll lose her just when my training runs start to get truly long and anxiety producing. Oh well, I'll take what I can get. Maybe in the course of things I'll meet someone else who will be running long into the summer too.

And, lest I sound not like a mom at all, let me just take a moment to bask in how much I love my little girls. The little raccoon is so freaking cute I can't even believe it. She buzzes around the house saying "Thank you" to us all. She talks in a babble nonstop but here and there she'll throw in recognizable words, "clock" "pie" "yes" "no" "yes please" "Yay!" "papa" and lots of others that I can't remember of course. I keep trying to save these sweet moments with her in my memory because I know from the Bunny how fleeting it all is. The way she wiggles delightedly when we snuggle down together for a nap, the way she cheers for every suggestion, the way she smiles, the way she runs, the way she laughs at herself to when we call her out on giving one of us the stink eye. The way she can't maintain any sort of bad mood or crying fit for long. The way she is so content to hang out with dh (so different than her sister who is only recently being cool about this). I love how she looks up to the Bunny and just loves to do anything with her at all. I love the way her little feet sound as she cruises around the house, how she's always up for putting on her coat and going out, how she smiles and waves to cars going by and people that we see in town, and how on the ferry she adores the driving game and makes a beeline for it every time.

As for the Bunny, we just got another great report from her teacher about how sweet, kind, polite and smart she is. After having spent quite a lot of time in the classroom with her this year I am reassured that our decision to keep her in first grade this year was the right thing to do. She is head and shoulders above the kids who only turned 6 in the summer academically and socially. It is just a pleasure to see her feeling so confident and assured. I do sometimes forget that she is still really a little kid. She still believes in Santa and the Tooth Fairy and the Easter Bunny. I think she's beginning to figure out that that belief is an act of faith but she's still more than half on the side of simply believing. She and her babysitter recently made a fairy house out under one of our trees and it is just a lovely thing to see her imagination at play. And I am constantly impressed and proud to see how polite and well behaved she is. This week I had to take both girls to TKD and, as they had been in the past too, they were so crazily good. They sat together on the blanket we'd brought, they stayed away from the mats, didn't make too much noise, didn't draw attention to themselves, just played and talked together quietly or watched the class. I know I wasn't the only one who kept looking over hardly believing how good they were being. And almost every time we have one of her friends over I'm astonished at how bold kids can be. And these are nice kids, I know they come much more difficult too. How I got to be so lucky to have them both for my own is a mystery but one I'm very very grateful for.

So there's my month worth of thoughts in one post. Next month we're hosting my cousin's younger son while his brother is going to my brother's. I'm looking forward to having him here. He's always been another incredibly nice well-behaved kid and it will be fun just having a boy around for a bit. So there's that to look forward to and lots more running, repainting, maybe chickens? We'll see.

What marathon training means

2009-03-04T12:29:00.002-08:00

As far as blogging goes marathon training means no new posts! Yes, I had hoped to get a post in for every run, making this my training journal of sorts but the real fact of trying to fit in ginormous amounts of running around having a family and all that entails is that I'm basically confined to Facebook status updates and brief check-ins with the dingos. I've got half a dozen outstanding emails I should respond to but haven't and it pretty much goes without saying that my time would be better spent vacuuming. In fact, if I could just never stop vacuuming I might start to make a dent in the debris field that is my house.

The other thing about all that running is that while I'm actually outside doing it I have all sorts of fascinating things cross my mind that seem to me to be ideal blog fodder and I get all excited thinking about how scintillating my blog will be for my reader. And then I get home and find that my absence, though graciously permitted by my better half, has been noticed and there's no way in Hell I am going to sit down for a quiet regurgitation of my thoughts. Hitting the ground running on returning home is par for the course, it's catch-up time every time and slacking will not be tolerated. Let's just say that I often wind up at the end of the day, salt still clinging to my stinky skin and choose sleep over a shower anyway. Whatever, I don't think I smell that bad.

I also have a bunch of pictures that I want to add to my blog but haven't yet had the time to deal with. One is a picture of our crocuses that came up last month, one is a rainbow over the pond, one is our new boat in the snow. I also have some really cute pictures of my incredibly cute girls who both seem determined to keep getting bigger every day.

But, even as I type I've got a tiny person with a stinky diaper waiting for a change, a nip and a nap and in 10 more minutes when the markets close I'm expected in the TV room with my plaster bucket. so, those pictures and thoughts will have to wait.

Joy List

2009-02-04T12:29:00.002-08:00

Things that bring me joy:

Having a husband who is totally cool with me training for this marathon and who never gets on my case about housework.
Watching my little one nurse herself to sleep.
Running and feeling like it does in a dream, all free and loose and fast.
The absolute gorgeousness of my surroundings.
The dingos.
Friendly chitchat with the checkout lady.
Seeing my daughter developing her own style.
Feeling my cat snuggle down on my legs in bed at night.

Happy Birthday Wendy

2009-02-02T12:39:00.002-08:00

She would have been three years old today. Three! It doesn't sound like very long somehow. So much has changed though. Here I am looking out the window in front of my desk at a meadow, fir trees along the edge of it. A bald eagle could go by any time, the dog is out hunting, the sun is watery and northern. Three years ago it was hot, sunny, crowded. It is Dia de Candelaria in Mexico today, here it is Groundhog Day, I don't know if it saw its shadow or not.
And here we are, a family of four? Or are we five? I still haven't come to a conclusion about how many children I have. Some days it feels like three. Some days it feels like two, but never without a dose of guilt for leaving one out. But whichever, we are a family, we are together. Three years ago that was hardly a forgone conclusion and so I'm grateful to Wendy. She woke us up, gave us each a good long shake, a smack in the face and pointed us back in the right direction. So thank you Wendy, beautiful little daughter. I wish I could hold you again. One day.

Bunny's Room before and after

2009-02-01T15:47:00.005-08:00

As appropriate as a bunch of carrots might seem for bunny's bedroom, my Bunny wanted pink.

And so I gave her pink. And she likes it! One of these days we'll have to change out that ugly old rug, but it might be a while.

Other than that I've been running, even if I haven't remembered to log my miles here. Yesterday I did 7.5 with my new running partner and friend K who is training for her first marathon as well. Hers is in the beginning of May so I have quite a bit more time to train than she does. However, her plan only has her do 18 miles as her longest run before the race. In a perfect world I'd like to do the whole 26.2 beforehand, just so I know I can do it. So I may tag along on her training plan and then continue to add miles up to taper time in July. It was a sweet feeling to find that 7.5 was nice and easy, if slow. So I'll have to take a good look at some training plans and the calendar and see how to fit it all together.

Checking in

2009-01-14T15:58:00.002-08:00

2 miles run today
5.2 run yesterday.

Yes, the tenths and hundredths count too.

Dh and the Bunny are still in Mexico. They'll be there for 3.5 weeks. 2 weeks to go. It feels like they've been gone for longer. The little Raccoon and I are doing pretty well on our own. We're staying up later and sleeping in later than usual. We're also watching more movies and the whole second season of 30 Rock. I'm loving it, the Raccoon loves Tracy Jordan but I don't think she's getting all the references. That's okay, she is only 16 months old after all. I'm beginning to wonder if she'll skip the Princesses since she's already showing a strong preference for rocking out to Hannah Montana. We'll see, I'll keep my fingers crossed. No, it would be okay if she wants to embrace Princessy shit. I can handle it. It's just a little depressing. And we did that once.

Other than hanging with little Raccoon I'm trying to get a few small jobs off the to-do list. Today I got the license plates for the Jeep (finally), licensed the dog (finally), got the Bunny signed up for swimming lessons, missed lessons for the Raccoon by 1 (one!) child. I'm bummed, especially since I stopped by to register earlier in the week but got there before the office was open. But we're first on the waiting list so let's all cross our fingers that someone flakes. I also got the dining room wall plastered yesterday. IRL it wasn't bugging me but anytime I saw a photo of the space it was really annoying. So that's done. And I got the remains of our tarp hangar dismantled and the tarp folded and put away. The poor thing was destroyed in a wind storm here. The wind snapped the aluminum poles in half, pretty insane.

Today I got an exciting present from my Dingo sister in WI. She sent me a scoby! It sounds so illicit doesn't it? Well, in fact I think it may be. but all it really is is a fungus for making kombucha a fermented tea that drinkers swear is the elixir of life. Or nearly. So, now all I need is a big galloon jar and a warm spot and I'll see if I become a believer or not.

Happy Belated New Year!

2009-01-12T15:05:00.003-08:00

Well here I am! In 2009. I keep writing 08 on checks but I hope I'm not the only one who needs a little time to adjust. This year I need more time to adjust than normal since I was off visiting my mom. That trip was more or less uneventful. She hasn't changed but she's forever repentant. But whatever.

Now, one might think that since I've had twelve days to consider resolutions I'd have a pretty slick list but I'm not sure I do. But here goes:

Run the San Francisco Marathon, hopefully in 6:00 or less so I can get my official finisher's coaster. This one entails staying disciplined throughout my 7 months of training. That's going to be the hardest part I think.
Be Kind.
Spend more time playing with kids than surfing online. To be honest I might be pretty close here already, but I feel like I'm online more than I should be and playing less than I should be so here's to fixing that.
Get off sugar. This one I'm already doing okay on too. I'd like to kick the habit that climaxed over the holiday. So far so good. I haven't had nearly any since I got home and haven't really wanted any either.

Well, that's it. I want to keep it simple and attainable. And, hopefully I'll also be able to keep this blog more or less updated to keep track of life, training runs, kid cuteness or whatever, but that may be dependent on the surfing < playing thing

Christmas Pix

2008-12-25T20:46:00.001-08:00

Gotta run now!

2008-12-20T13:04:00.003-08:00

Okay! We got a treadmill! Woohoo! I was a little torn initially. I don't mind running on a treadmill but it feels a little like cheating. But when we saw the ad in the local paper and went to check it out it was obviously such a good deal we'd have been idiots for passing it up, and I'd have to question my committment to this marathon too. And as it turned out it was perfect timing. The weekend after we got it home we had a snow storm. Not much by New England standards (my default setting) but a lot on an island with maybe one plow. THe roads were still more or less ice-packed yesterday, 6 days after the storm. People are driving around with chains on the tires! School was on delayed start every day this week! So, all that to say, no way was I going to risk my life running on the roads and so it was extra awesome to have the treadmill. And this mornign at 5:30 or so when I finally got up it was awesome to be able to go downstairs and pump out 7 miles before anyone else was even up (okay, the Bunny caught the last .25 mile).

Now I'm going to bundle up with the kids and go for a ice-covered pond tour. I figure that with sub-freezing temps all week we should be quite safe walking over the shallows. And maybe we'll take some more grub out to the geese. Ever since it got cold enough to freeze the pond I've been bringing them apples and pears and stale cereal. they love it and I love how they come honking and waddling over to me as soon as I walk out the door these days. They're still saucy but they need a little love too.

Happy Thanksgiving and all that

2008-12-03T05:04:00.004-08:00

Honestly right this minute I'm feeling a little less than festive. After trying to keep my mom and her fiance's issues at arms length and let them have their own Thanksgiving without interference it seems like their relationship has finally gone off the rails. I don't really want to know. I wish it were that easy. But as I laid awake in bed way too early this morning I found myself imagining my mom feeling totally crushed with disappointment that this latest in a series of doomed relationships has gone so bad. Why can't she find a nice, steady guy who doesn't pretend to be more than he is? Maybe because she's crazy and those guys don't appeal? Whatever the reason it's a bummer and this time I hope the economic fallout doesn't completely cripple her. So anyway, I got up to check the fares to visit her instead of going home this weekend. I don't know, it's too early to call her and see if she needs me at all and if so if she would welcome a visit this weekend or if she can wait another week or so.
So there's that. And then I also feel like there must be something I could do to wake my brother up to the fact that he's missing out on a relationship for himself and his family that could be really nice. I don't know when the last time he and my dad were speaking but it's been a while. And it just makes me feel sad, for my dad and for my brother. But I just don't know what the magic words are and I'm not even sure that I'm back on solid enough footing with my brother to make them stick if I can even figure out what they are.
So it's a modern holiday season right? Complete with family crises, odd step relatives and non-communication as well as the usual task of keeping Santa alive and arranging for cards, cookies and gifts to as many friends and relatives as humanly (and financially) possible.
Ahh.

But, enough angst, I'm on vacation and it's been a nice one. We've had just enough time to reconnect with some old friends in St. Louis and I had a great time meeting a dingo here in Wisconsin. We've known each other for a couple years now and I've been following her blog for about that long and finding her life and her balancing of family, work and farming fascinating and inspiring. Actually getting the real live tour of the barn, meeting the sheep, the emu, the chickens, patting Pumpkin Pie, checking out the somewhat creepy borrowed ram, that alone was well worth the drive through Wisconsin farmland. But the real treat was the instant comfy friendiness of meeting my friend in person for the first time. The whole encounter was just so enjoyable and so lacking any weird awkwardness that you might expect in a first-date type of situation. It can be hard and nearly embarrassing trying to describe the dingos to non-dingos but I am so grateful for my friends there and the quiet space of the dingo cafe in which we are able to have conversation about anything and everything without interruptions from children, spouses or anything else.

And for that, my awesome kids, my sweet smart husband, our happy home and stable extended family I am very grateful this Thanksgiving.

Status Update

2008-11-14T10:14:00.003-08:00

Marathon training is going well! I went out with the women's running group yesterday and we did 3.7 miles in about 40 minutes, much faster than I would have done it on my own, and farther than was on my training schedule too! And I felt good. We ran a couple real hills and I managed to keep up and keep running. I'm sure it's premature to judge but so far so good.

The girls are both doing well. The Bunny was tapped to be in a reader's theatre presentation for the kindergartners yesterday and was pleased that the rest of us all showed up to see. She also tested for her low yellow belt in TKD on Wed. I hope she passes but she hasn't made up her mind whether or not to continue with it. I hope she does of course, I have been so impressed with the kids who are testing to be black belts. They have such incredible poise and confidence. Our favorite girl just made a huge mistake of judgement but unlike what I'd expect of a normal 13 year old, not only did she confess to me what she had done to explain why she won't be available for babysitting for 6 months to a year, but she asked me to forgive her and expressed her hope that my opinion of her was not irreprably damaged. Considering her infraction I think all the more highly of her for her mature way of admitting fault and accepting consequences. A lot of adults could take a lesson from her.
But to get back to the Bunny, she knows she'll have to pick an activity to fill in the gap if she does drop TKD and so dh and I are hoping that her decision won't create any massive transportation complications.

Ali G is doing well too. She is walking and chatting up a storm. Her words are getting closer and closer to what she is trying to say. She is such a sweet little kid . Her default setting is happy optimism and she is calm and comfortable with or without me, a huge difference between her and her sister. During the testing she watched the activity on the mat until a mother picked her up out of her backpack seat and then she spent the rest of the time investigating the contents of bags and packs and being generally charming.

So, that's the update for now. Next week we go to St. Louis to introduce Ali G to her other grandma and then up to Madison to see Dad and spend Thanksgiving.

Time to get some tidying done.

Amen to that.

2008-11-07T15:14:00.000-08:00

YES WE CAN!!!!

2008-11-06T11:52:00.003-08:00

I just realized how odd it is that I hadn't mentioned the AMAZING HISTORIC ELECTION that just took place here.
The thing about this blog is that I compose entries in my head every day that never get out. I have spent a lot of time recently thinking about the election, crying with joy and amazement and feeling flushed with a renewed faith in the decency and the fundamental goodness of America. Honestly I can't remember ever having this sense of pride in my nation. I was psyched that Clinton won the first time I voted but it's so different to feel that the country has made this sea change in outlook and deed. Maybe I kept putting this post off because I am not able to express this as eloquently as it deserves. But I think you know how I feel. I think you feel that swelling feeling in your chest, that catch of the breath, that feeling of HOPE taking wing.

Running in the Rain ROCKS!

2008-11-06T10:57:00.002-08:00

I woke up this morning to the sound of rain pounding on the roof. Pounding. That isn't actually a common sound in these parts, or at least it hasn't been in the 6 months we've lived here. So today was the day I had resolved to join this women's running group in town. I've been hanging out with the Dingos online for years now but I haven't done much IRL group running and you know, this marathon thing is kind of intimidating so I'm looking for all the support I can find. Anyway, did I mention the POURING RAIN? Well so I got a bit freaked out. Okay it was really more like those butterflies you get at the top of a double black diamond slope that you've just committed to and can't get out of anymore. It was like that. Only for a few minutes there I could still back out because nobody knew I was going but me and dh. But then I told the Dingos and then I called the health cli to see if they were still going. they were. And they got my name. Sooo... I got my gore tex pants and my "wterproof" jacket and went.

And it turned out to be terrific. A really great run. The women are nice and welcoming, though generally faster than me (hardly a feat). We ran the 5k loop that we did for the 4th of July run and which will be the Turkey Trot here. A couple of them are training to do the Vancouver Marathon in May. Hmmmm.

Week 2 of Marathon training under way!

2008-11-04T15:53:00.003-08:00

Well, my runs are super short but so far so good. Today I did 3 miles and it felt great. I am so excited to see this thing through, I have lots of time but I do hope it's enough.
I found a couple pictures of the Bunny from the costume parade from Halloween in her Hannah Montana getup.

Happy Hallloween!

2008-11-01T17:31:00.003-07:00

So the town went all out for Halloween yesterday. All of the elementary school kids got marched down the main street of town and lots of adults got dressed up too. Including me! I went as HazMat Mama with a tool belt full of dipes and wipes. Ali G went as Piglet and we got our picture in the local online journal. The Bunny was Hanna Montana and you can almost see her in a picture on the second page but you kind of have to know where to look.

Here I am with my mom and Ali G waiting for the parade.

Here we are after Ali G's first-ever trick-or-treating.

And the Bunny, looking way too old for seven with her Haloween makeup on.

A journey of 26.2.miles begins with a single step...

2008-11-01T14:26:00.003-07:00

I love to run?

Yup.
I'm doing it.
I started training this week for the San Francisco Marathon, July 26 2009. If we women can make a human in that amount of time I should be able to turn myself into an endurance runner in that amount of time, right? Right.

So far I've done 6 miles. Six incredibly slow miles. But you have to start somewhere (see above) and I'm pretty psyched. For a long time it's been in the back of my mind that I'd like to do a marathon someday. So, thanks to my buddy Poppy, I suddenly thought, well why not now?
And, how about you? Yes, you! You wanna do this thing too? My goal will be 1. to finish and 2. to finish in 6 hours. That's it. Nothing fancy. No heroics. Just 26.2 miles of steady plodding around my favorite city in all the world. Just think of the post-race food! Mmmmmm. Chinatown here I come!

Health Care With No Legs to Stand On: The Questions Behind the Question

2008-10-25T10:47:00.003-07:00

Below is an essay written by my good friend, the midwife, naturopath, voice of reason, mother, herbalist, and all around wise woman Alison Bastien. When I saw the picture below I was horrified at the new depth of depersonalization happening in obstetric care but Alison managed to frame my knee jerk response in a far more useful way.

There is a lot of information available these days. Access to the

Internet has made hundreds of journals, books, and opinions available to us

wherever we live. What fascinates me, though, is all of the information I

obtain by what is not being said. It is sort of like those brain teaser pictures,

depicting a white vase but actually, when you focus on the blackness, you

realize you are looking at two ladies in profile. It's not even that it “wasn't”

a picture of a white vase, really, it's more like there's more than meets the eye.

Modern health care paradigms feel like this to me. It's not just what they

“say” is good practice, it's the assumption behind it, the ladies in profile that

become revealed when we stop admiring the vase.

For example: As a midwife and as an interpreter I attended some of the emergency

obstetrical trainings for doctors and midwives in my state in central Mexico.

They are presented by an international medical association composed of

doctors and nurse-midwives who travel all over the Americas giving excellent, and

succinct workshops on the latest updates in lifesaving techniques for the

most common obstetrical emergencies. They simultaneously train the

attendees to become trainers themselves, to share the knowledge in their

medical communities and with their peers.

One of the workshops was on Shoulder Dystocia, a very scary situation

in which a babies shoulders may become stuck, or wedged behind the

pubic bones of the mother on delivery, so you have the babies head outside

her body, and the body unable to rotate and slip out. If not resolved, this

emergency could result in brain damage, or even death by asphyxia to the

baby. Timing is then essential to recognizing and resolving the situation.

The instructors, using their Power Point presentations to emphasize the

steps, and their large model torso of a woman with a removable belly-

cover and the model baby to be stuck inside her, take us through the

options and the steps to resolving the problem:

1. Call for help
2. Consider an episiotomy (cutting the perenium to “get more room”)
3. the “McRoberts”maneuver, flexing the womans legs up by her ears, to “open the pelvic outlet”
4. Suprapubic pressure (someone pushes really hard on the outside, while someone else is putting traction on the baby)
5. Internal maneuvers (is this starting to sound like a war room strategy yet?)
A) the “Ruben“ maneuver, inserting ones fingers behind the anterior shoulder of the baby and trying to push it towards the baby's chest, so it can turn and scoot out.
B) the“Woods-Corkscrew” maneuver, whereby one presses ones hands on the posterior shoulder of the baby and presses the opposite direction.

These maneuvers are simple and useful, provided one can even slide their fingers in along the stuck baby

in the first place. Though the textbook then mentions as a footnote, the “roll on

fours” (or “Gaskin” maneuver) in the workshop the teacher moved straight on to

worst case scenario measures, such as breaking the baby´s clavicle to get it out,

pushing the baby back in and doing a cesarean, or breaking the woman's pubic bone

(no easy task!)

“Excuse me..” A nurse midwife from the midwest also attending the

workshops waves her hand up, “What about the Gaskin Manuever?”

I was wondering the same thing. The Gaskin Manuever was popularizad

by midwife, Ina May Gaskin, as result of her observations of other

empirical midwives in the highlands of Guatemala in the 1970s. This

consisted of turning the birthing woman over onto a hands and knees position

which , it was found, spontaneously or with minimal interventions, rotated the babies

100 percent of the time with no negative outcomes to mother or babies.

Personally, and for my nurse midwife friend, it was always our first choice for its

much lesser risk of trauma to both mother and baby. In this position, there is no

pressure on the coccyx and the baby's own weight presses the on the pubic bone. It

gives us automatically a little more room in case we still need to use any gentle traction

or maneuvering.

The instructor cleared his throat. “Well, the Gaskin maneuver? It almost always

works. That's why it's last on the list. If all else fails, that one will almost assuredly

rotate the baby and get it out. “

“That's crazy!” The nurse-midwife blurted out, “ Why would you waste all

that valuable time and effort and risk all the tissue trauma on all those other things

first if you yourself just acknowledged this is usually better?”

There followed much loud murmuring and muttering by the several dozen

Obstetricians and gynecologists in the room.

The presenter of the workshop shrugged his apology: “I know it's counter-intuitive, but like these docs are saying, we've got women with

intravenous tubes in their arms, fetal monitoring belts on, and they are mostly

lying prone on the hospital beds. It's a lot more tricky to get them into the

all-fours position with all those wires and tubes. Most of the women have epidural

anesthesia as well, with tubes in their spinal column and no feeling down below.”

The doctors are all nodding in agreement as I translate.

“Really, it's a mess trying to get someone to turn onto all fours on a

slippery metal hospital gurney, especially if their legs are already tied up

in the stirrups.”

My midwife friend seethed, conceding the point.

The Question behind the Question was: “ So why are we still putting women

on their backs on a slippery hospital gurney with tubes and wires all over them and

their legs up in the air in stirrups in the first place, if it hinders them in getting their

babies out?

This isn't just some third world issue by any means. Just last week I was

at a prestigious Ivy League Nurse-Midwifery school. In this case, I was

being given a tour of the teaching facilities. My student guide led me to

the robot teaching models. Actually, we had used an only slightly less sophisticated

model in some of the CPR courses and in the emergency courses in Mexico.

In these versions, a life-like plastic dummy woman with the removable belly

and baby featured a mechanical system whereby everything was programmed into

a nearby laptop computer, to simulate a variety of complications of delivery.

The baby could exhibit asynclitism, malpresentations, as well as the dreaded

shoulder dystocia for the students to practice resolving the problems while

the robot baby and mother exhibit life-like responses in their vital signs

to reflect the “what ifs” of proper or improper management in techniques

and choices. The robot woman had a life sized labia and cervix which dilated

to 10 cm. so the students could also practice checking dilation and station.

I had seen these robots in the medical supply catalogs stacked up for free

perusing and purchasing in the nursing department locker room. I had read

up on all the cool simulator robots just the night before, in a fit of uncharacteristic

insomnia. The teaching mama and baby goes for about 18,000 dollars.

“So, pretty neat, huh?”

I nodded agreement with my enthusiastic student guide, who was at that

very moment demonstrating some hand maneuvers up our robots vagina and

cervix

“So, uh, do you guys ever learn about the Gaskin maneuver for shoulder

dystocia? “ I wondered. It wasn't a far fetched question — Ina May Gaskin

often toured the Ivy league medical schools and did grand rounds in

prestigious hospitals sharing her points of view and representing her own books

on the subject and the Midwives Alliance of North America.

“Oh, sure, “ The student paused, “You mean the hands and knees thing?

Yeah, they mention that, too.”

I repeated what the doctors had protested in the obstetrical emergency workshops,

about how impractical it was , given the I.V.s and the fetal monitors and

such.

“Yeah , well, that's the thing…” The student shrugged, simulating a baby

getting swirled around by the corkscrew maneuver half inside the mother

as we talked. “We've got, like, a 90% epidural rate around here. “

That's the thing, I thought. It's pretty hard to practice getting a woman onto

her hands and knees when she has no arms or legs.

And that's the metaphor for many of our issues in health care. People

nod, say “Oh yeah, I've heard of that ...” but have no real models, no

access, no support with which to safely explore and practice the options.

Practitioners will be hard pressed to moving someone to their hands and knees

(ie: a grounded, self-motivated position in which internal changes may then

occur spontaneously) when that someone has no arms or legs!

We need to begin sharing our experiences and intuitions more boldly,

To ask the Questions behind the Question—in this case, if you can't do it because

the mother is on a narrow uncomfortable bed and has too many tubes in her,

then why do we have her on a narrow uncomfortable bed with so many tubes in

her? Is all that part of the problem or part of the solution?

Some people call this “thinking outside of the box” . But I think when

we identify ourselves as inside or outside of a box, that's actually part of the problem.

The question behind the question is: Where the heck did the box come from? At what

Point in our collective consciousness did we agree there even is a box? And then, whose

got a leg to stand on around here?

-Alison Bastien

May 08

Birthday Cake time again

2008-10-17T22:44:00.001-07:00

So the Bunny wanted to go with a Swan Lake theme birthday again this year. The cake she wanted can be seen here as Swan 03. I took the advice and used Rice Krispie Treats for the neck and head. That worked great and I might just turn into one of those bizarre people who start sculpting with food.

Anyway, I thought that the initial amount of chocolate cake I had was a little skimpy so I made a batch of brownies hoping to use the gooey center as modeling clay. Well, Duncan Hines disappointed me with its unfudgyness but it still worked to fill in the gaps and give the bird a little more substance.

I also used Nutella as glue and mint flavored dental floss to hold it all together temporarily while the nutella set in te fridge.

Anyway, here are my in process shots. I have to say, although I didn't even think about doing a fancy base until it was quite late in the game, I'm pretty pleased with how it came out. Of course, it still has to survive in the fridge until tomorrow at about 2 so let's all just cross our fingers, shall we?

I do love cooking.

Hmm, does it look like that goose cookie jar is making eyes at my swan, or am I projecting?

October's here!

2008-10-08T20:10:00.000-07:00

So, Xoche has been needing to be groomed for a long time. Seriously, this dog has had her feral-looking moments but she's been neglected all summer except for a copuple of hose downs. But she isn't a particularly friendly dog when it's time to pull out all the matted, stinky, burry, stinky old undercoat. Not that I blame her, but if we want to keep our fingers on, she needs to wear this I tried to reassure her that it's very Lady and the Tramp but she wasn't impressed and tried to bite our hands off repeatedly anyway.

In the end we got a lot of fur out of her and she cleaned up nicely. She has actually been in a much better mood since then too, go figure.

In honor of living back in Squashville we've been doing some stuffed squash. I couldn't resist these cute sugar pumpkins and thught they'd make a nice meal. And they did, we polished them off. For real. Okay, I shared mine with Ali G and The Bunny gave a wee bit of hers to Xoche but basically? We're pigs.

2008-09-30T22:31:00.000-07:00

Ahh, the deck. With decking .

Well, yes, it is a little anticlimactic. We actually got more done today but I didn't take any pictures. Then I realized that we don't even have all the decking boards yet so it's probably not going to be done by tomorrow either.

Aren't they cute? I just love all the little clues about these people in this picture. Baby has hippie shoes but fundy-looking sling. Dad has the metrosexual frames with the cheesehead uniform and then there are those wires hanging out of the ceiling above their heads. Hmmmmm.

2008-09-28T23:02:00.000-07:00

Hm, I don't know why formatting this thing is so hard for me. Sorry. I want to have an awesomely clean layout but it just isn't happeninging and considering how long it takes me to post anything at all I don't see much hope for me figuring it out. Whatever. These are some recent pix. The last one is based on an idea stolen from Monica's blog. It's just me (and my lap monkey) unedited taken off the cuff. That's how we often are, unedited. Well, mostly unedited, I cropped my fuzzy arm a bit. Did I ruin the meme?
I love the poppies, these guys have survived however many mowings of the lawn and they are just as red and bold as can be. And every single time I look at them I think of Afganistan. But really, wouldn't anyone?
So we've been working on finding a babysitter to come on out and play with Ali G each weekday so dhand I can get down to business. I mean seriously. We started that deck in June. It will be October on Wednesday. October people. It'sa deck. How much longer can we freaking take? So we found a girl who has come out. She's okay. At first I was kind of psyched about her but on second thought she seems a little depressed. And she doesn't have a car. And she's not really into riding her bike in the rain. Well I don't blame her of course but I don't want to pay for a cab every time and I don't want to cancel out everytime either. So she may not work out. But I'm hoping for sun until we can get the deck decked, we're actually doing that now. It shouldn't really be that much longer.
The good news, we are making friends! real friends, the kind you really like and have things in common with and want to have more things in common with. It's so nice and happy feeling. One new friend dropped by this evening to bring us a pan of vietnamese grilled pork. It was awesome. What faster way to a porkatarian's heart thanthat? I ask you? Another friend has signed up to be a classroom volunteer at the same time as me each week! Yay! A playmate of my own! And I have two more mommy friends who I just need to follow up with, one has a little girl who is just a few months younger than Wendy would be. She is a cute little girl and I like being around her. And the other mommy also has a little one and some older ones and so we have a lot of those 'oh yeah, I know what you mean' moments that help set up friendships. I do see the other crowd that we were first flirting with bak in the spring. I get a strange vibe from them now. I guess I blew my chances with them for the most part. My schedule just doesn't jibe with theirs really and they're all on the first little ones so maybe my parenting style doesn't synch with theirs really either. My challenge isn't figuring out what thebaby will do next so much as how to enjoy that without missing out on the Bunny's life at the same time.
What else? We lost one tenant in Mexico. Another has bought a house and so won't be renewing his lease. The third wants a pet. I say, have a dog if it will keep you around. I dread having to look for tenants again and from afar.
I've been fighting a cold - successfully I think. I've got that nasty old cough happening but it doesn't seem to slow me down too much. But I've gotten stung twice this week by our overly aggressive yellow jackets and in a surprising turn, I'm reacting rather dramatically to the stings nowadays. Both areas went from little raised bump to massive raised red bumpy itchy ugly welt. THe one on my leg feels like a combination burn bruise and chickenpox. What's up with that? The swelling is literally six inches wide. Should I be thinking epi pen? I'm so disappointed too since I've always been a champion of wasp's rights.
Speaking of wasps. I'm really enjoying the episcopal church we've been going to for a couple months ow. I like the priest (ahem, priest in charge) and the congregation is nice and welcoming and not too old. They sing a lot, they've got a great kids area and a nice feast after the service (no donuts), the Bunny loves Sunday School or Godly Play as it's called but which sounds way to pervy to me, and I'm having a great time getting the historical background on all the readings that I'veheard all my life but which never meant anything because I never bothered to look up and nobody else ever bothered to mention stuff like who the corinthians were (nothing to do with leather) or what types of tribalism was being shaken up by Jesus's new ideas.
So anyway, it's kind of fun. Now I hear Ali G awake for the 6th time tonight, it must be another tooth coming in so we'll call it a night down here.

2008-09-17T16:35:00.000-07:00

My beautiful Bunny

Um, yeah. Last night that was a whole pie.

The Helmet was not meant to endorse daredevil stunts!

Free Candy All Over the Island!

2008-09-16T21:46:00.002-07:00

Man! I love blackberries! I had no idea I loved them so much but I do. I can't pass a bramble without wishing I could stop and load up on them. Sometimes I do stop. Sometimes I make a special trip. Sometimes I'm supposed to be doing something else.
My dad was equally obsessed by those fat juicy black pods of yumminess and we gathered a lot a lot a lot while he was here. But, I'm sorry to say, he missed the real jackpot. Now, today they are READY. Every branch of every bramble along every road and edge of every meadow the blackberries are practically humming with ripeness. I imagine that it is the last gasp of summer before we get plunged into the grayness that most islanders warn us is coming. I took Ali G out for a spin in the Burley this afternoon, thinking about exercise and fresh air. We had barely turned the corner when I started noticing the insane berry explosion that must have come on with the full moon. I tried to ignore it for a while. I tried to pretend that I wasn't just looking for a safe place to pull over and start picking but it didn't work. We could only have gotten about 4 miles before Ali G was sleeping and a massive hedge of the black beauties was calling to me from a sidewalk (of all things). I pulled up right on the sidewalk, parked and within 30 minutes I had my Blue Bunny container full to the brim. The only thing I can't fathom is, why isn't everyone else picking them feverishly too? Dad says he met a massage therapist collecting them on one foray but I have yet to see anyone anywhere on the island picking them like they mean it. I mean, dang people! A half flat of blueberries was going for $13.98. These are organic free range local shade grown fair trade freaking blackberries and I'm the only sucker for them? Crazy damn world. I'm going to go stuff my face again tomorrow.

Sarah Palin Makes Me Want to Puke

2008-09-12T22:29:00.003-07:00

Ick. Just when it looked like maybe McCain would actually have some integrity or honor to restore to the Republicans he picks this scary bitch. It's insulting in so many ways but this video makes me really want to hurl. It's not for the faint of heart, so I hope it gets aired nationwide.

So Hah Old Fat Dude!

2008-09-08T21:58:00.001-07:00

So we needed to demolish this concrete a bit and when I went to pick up the jack hammer at the rental shop today this fat old white republican looking dude looked me over and said something about how I probably couldn't handle a tool like this. then he had the nerve to squeeze my arm to check my muscles! For real.

So yeah, I can do it Fatty. I don't think I'd be into it on a regular basis but I'm glad to know I could do it again if I had to.

This is why I can't post

2008-09-05T08:20:00.002-07:00

Back to School

2008-09-04T08:54:00.003-07:00

Here's my First Grader on Day One. She looks cooler than I ever did on the first day of school. How did I get such a little hipster?

One year old!!

2008-08-31T22:16:00.004-07:00

Happy Birthday Ali G!!!

Whoowee did that year go fast! At least if I look at it one way it did. In another way it seems like an eternity ago that I was sitting with her alone in the Fe waving off nurses that first night.
Anyway, here we are, she all big and cute and healthy and had a nice little party with just the family plus Grandpa and Nancy.
Let's see if I can get some pictures formatted in a relevant way here -

Okay, there they are, our August birthdays, 1 and 70 this year.

Last week we went camping and had a fun time sightseeing some more of this beautiful state as well as meeting up with two of my favorite dingos, Megs_BK and CherylAnn! That was awesome and it did not feel like the first time we all had met face to face. I love that!

Okay, well the formatting is still mystifying me and the clock just struck 11 so I leave it as is. <<<<>>>>
'Night all.

Standby PeeWee's Big Adventure. . . PeeWee's Big Adventure - Go.

2008-08-14T09:47:00.003-07:00

First the exciting news - I got a bike!!!! An electric bike!!! Duuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuude how cool is that?
I am so psyched, it is the bike I was waiting for on steroids. We found it at the fair yesterday at the electric car display. The guy was selling new ones but then threw it out that he was hoping to sell his old one. I took it for a couple test drives and man was it neat to buzz up the hill without a care in the world. So I was hooked. Ever since we first visited this place I've been dreaming of becoming an all-weather bike commuter. Then we found the Burley trailer a week or so ago and it's awesome but still no bike. But, I've been throwing out my vision of the perfect bike to the universe and it came true! Can y'all tell I'm a little excited? I pick it up at the fair today and I'll ride it home this afternoon!!!! Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

And I won a white ribbon for my effed up muffins. That was a gift. I also realized that the universe smackdown on my first couple attempts at awesome picture-perfect and to-die-for yummy muffins was a good antidote to me being conceited about my cooking. Thanks universe, note taken.

We had a little raccoon drama here this morning. Our dog had treed a raccoon next to the house and as I was headed over to see what was going on I noticed another little masked face peeking out from our crawl space. Like an idiot I called the dog over to see (WTF?? was I thinking??) so of course she goes diving into the crawl space after the thing. We hear scrabbling sounds and a moment later the raccoon bursts out from under the house and goes up the little apple tree right outside the entrance. For a second it looks like he'll make it to the roof but the tree bends, the dog leaps up and catches the raccoon's tail just enough to make it lose its grip on its branch and the thing falls on top of the dog. There's a bit of a scuffle and then they both go flying back under the house. Then silence. Then barking. And more and more barking.
Dh gives me the WTF-were-you-thinking face. I shrug sheepishly thinking that it's still super early and I haven't been caffeinated. But yeah, I'm still the idiot.
I call off the dog and we put her away in the house and then dd1 and I put up a stakeout to watch for the raccoon to leave. It doesn't. I'm feeling fairly confident that our dog is fierce but not fierce enough to have actually killed or even seriously injured the thing but waiting for it to come out is making me very uneasy. Finally I get the idea to dust the whole entrance to the crawl space with flour so we can see its footprints after it leaves but so we don't have to spend the entire days staring silently at the hole.
As it turns out dh sees it coming out by chance and we all watch it bounding off, obviously unscathed, from the window.

Never a dull moment, I tell you.

I don't like Mondays. Oh wait, it's Tuesday.

2008-08-12T21:47:00.002-07:00

I don't know what it is but the Bunny's driving my nutty. It seems like she either won't ever stop talking or she is constantly upping the I-need-mommy-more ante or she's whining about nonexistent booboos or babytalking or weeping dramatically. I feel like an ogre, and have been acting like one to I'm afraid, but I just want to yell at her to shut up and go away for a while. Not that I would really do that, it's just the ogre voice in my head screaming it. I should take a page out of DrJen's book on this and do some more one-on-one time, probably. I took her out to the theater on Saturday though and she bugged me the whole time there too. This happens right wise mamas out there? This is normal, I-haven't-had-a-chance-to-appreciate-my-family-from-afar-for-like,-three-years normal, right? <<<<<<>>>>>>>>

Okay, it's not all bad. Friday was our 10th anniversary and it felt good. We went kayaking which I loved and had a tasty lunch out ad then watched a decent production of the Tempest in the evening. There were no gifts as usual but I floated the idea of ten massages apiece and I like the idea so I'm booking it.

The Fair! The Fair! The Fair is here!!!!! Boy howdy if every single person we have ever met on this island hasn't told us not to miss the fair. Whoo weee. So we won't miss it. And, after a few false starts and some startlingly bad baking on my part, I entered some cherry muffins. Okay, so until Saturday I never harbored county fair dreams of blue ribbon greatness, but then I heard about how you get a discount on your entrance if you are an exhibitor and how pretty much anything that can be baked counts and I was there. Dreaming the blue ribbon dreams!

I am a little worried that I might have missed my one window of opportunity to swim in the lake this summer. About 10 days ago we had two days of relatively hot humidity. I swore the next day I'd swim and the temperature went back to 63. Oh well. I do prefer the cooler weather but a summer without swimming feels wrong.

Baby update. She's still as cute as can be. She is presently cutting her upper front tooth and having a heck of a time with it. She had a pretty hot fever for about 24 hours but woke up this morning back to normal, maybe a wee bit grumpier than usual but ogre me can't say nothing about that. She's crawling like a pro, standing at all times and beginning to do that teetering tippy standing unaided that will inevitably lead to walking. Yikes. But she's so cute I let her get away with it. And, takking a page from her sister's book, she's a talker. She doesn't have a ton of words yet, "Da", "Ma" and "Kiya" are pretty much it but she has intonation down like a champ. Half the time I'm sure I know what she's saying because her tone it so clear.

Okay, I'm going to go shine my sink if you know what I mean.

2008-08-07T16:43:00.001-07:00

Paris Hilton Responds to McCain Adfunny videosFunnyOrDie.com

See more funny videos at Funny or Die

2008-07-31T21:49:00.000-07:00

Grandma and ALi G hangin'

You lookin' at me?

The prize winning picture, Ode to Three Goslings

Just when we were getting used to seeing all her teeth again - POP!

Another Fly By

2008-07-31T12:42:00.004-07:00

Well, whew. I probably have about 5 minutes before Ali G wakes up but I'll see how far I can catch up.

She started crawling! Finally. She's been skooching around for a couple months now but she hadn't really gotten the hang of the whole up on hands and knees crawl until today, her 11 month b'day incidentally. And of course, 3.4 seconds later she'd pulled herself up on a box in the hall and was going after all the stuff there that moments before had been safely out of reach. Time for baby gates!

Dh and I tested for our yellow belts in TKD yesterday. I think we did fine. We certainly practiced a lot. Dh was worried about social promotion butI think he'll find he passed on his merits. Anyway, as yellow belts we get to/have to start sparring so I doubt the master is going to want anyone doing that who really isn't ready. I'm psyched, watching the red belts test was inspiring, they were sparring 2 against 1 and breaking boards and it all just looked too cool. And, as in every class, Ali G and the Bunny were so unnaturally well-behaved. Ali G watched most of the testing just chirping away encouragement and cheering during the sparring. The Bunny was extremely responsive with toys and snacks as needed and they both made me just as proud as a parent can be. Just like always.

We've made a little progress on the deck but more on getting the upstairs furnished and comfy. The guest room has a king sized bed, we have a real closet and the Bunny's room is pretty much fully decked out and girly. We could still use storage furniture everywhere but at least we're making a dent.
Mom's visit was actually fine. She really helped out with the girls, doing pick-ups and drop-offs and lots of baby watching. I think having a clearly stated purpose other than 'vacation' made all the difference. the only crazy part was her belief that she could have any control over the natural world outside the widow. The day after she arrived the geese appeared with three little goslings. They were adorable but also irresistable to the X dog and within days she'd killed two of them. So Mom made it her job to keep Xoche tied up and any time the Bald Eagles came around she'd go out and scream and wave her hat and make a fuss until they went away. She even made a scare crow to put out in the meadow to stand in for her while we weren't home. But during our final meal on her last day we heard panicked squawking and honking and looked out to see Xoche had pulled her leash free of its tie and was violently killing the last gosling. It was absolutely awful and Mom was beside herself. So that was a bummer of a way to end the visit but probably an inevitable end tot he gosling. I just wished that one of the eagles had gotten it instead, I've been having mixed feelings about the X dog for a long time and it's hard to love her when her wild side takes over.
I've pretty much flatlined on making friends it seems. My plan to focus on that got kind of derailed while we were bogged down with dh feeling like an asylum candidate and then I got further adrift while mom was here. The women I have met have been so nice that I'm still hopeful that if I can just put myself out there a bit more it won't be hard to make some real connections but it's been feeling a little lonely this week. I don't know, it's kind of silly. There are so many activities happening here I just don't have time to hit them all so the answer is probably pretty easy, make more effort-get more reward. Right?
The Bunny won second prize in a sidewalk art contest that was held a couple weekends ago. She was thrilled to get the ribbon and the prize and it was a joy to see her face light up as she listened to the message telling her she'd won.

Whew! i think that's pretty much the update! As it turned out Ali G slept fine but who knows when she actually woke up since the monitor wasn't on! Doh! Well when I went in to check on her she was sitting up in bed smiling and looking happy and rested so it was all good. But add another chip for my Worst Mommy on the Block candidacy.

Quick Catch up

2008-07-13T07:14:00.003-07:00

Well it has been nonstop busy here, and I am left wondering how real bloggers find time to keep things updated daily. Whew.
So we've made a bit of progress on the house now. Dh's bout of unbelievable depression (read panic attacks 24/7 for about 2 weeks) has lightened up as have his allergies. That was rough. It also brought everything to a dead halt around here so I'm glad it's over on all levels.
We pulled the dopey roof off the front of the house, we've added gutters and we dug and poured footings for the deck we're now working on. We had been toying with the idea of shingling the house with cedar shingles but in the end it seems like a very time consuming and expensive project to start with when the stucco is fine. Ugly, but serviceable. And we didn't want to blow all our energy for working on the house on something non-essential. So we're building a deck instead. lol Okay, so that is non-essential too. But at least it will be useful in a way that the shingles wouldn't, and now that we've got the layout figured out (that alone took us weeks to decide) and the foundation mostly done - three holes to go today - it should go pretty fast.

We've also been scoring some terrific deals on kitchen gear. I had been fantasizing about a big 45" or so cooktop for an island but I was getting bummed about the cost (well over $1000 for the ones that looked good to me) plus the added expense of a decent vent (another $1000 or thereabouts) and then my super dreamy wish list item a double wall oven (in the $1500-2500 range) I had basically stopped thinking about it because I didn't want to face the budgeting part. But, now I pretty much have found all of that at the local thrift store! A sweet stainless 47" Jenn Air cooktop with interchangeable elements with a grill and downdraft vent for $100 and a KitchenAid double oven with convection, start/stop timers etc for $250. And they work! Thank goodness Dh knows how to wire them up, I wouldn't have had a clue but he had them each up and running within hours. How awesome is that? My $3000+ kitchen for $350! Now we just have to build an island for the cooktop and a cabinet for the wall ovens. . . and a pantry, and decide on countertops and lighting and flooring and a new sink . . .

And, my mom is here. She had scheduled herself a trip north of here for the end of Oct which was crazy because the place she's renting is hardly a day trip away and because she'll miss all the nice weather here. So I'd asked her to come for a week. She picked the week that dh will be away checking on his mom. So then I thought that maybe it would make her feel good (and help her behave more responsibly) if I asked her to come for a second week while dh was here so that she could be the babysitter while we made some progress. So far the plan seems to be working. She's definitely helping out more than she ever did when we lived in San Miguel. She's not only watching the kids a ton but she's helping wash up after dinner and has even changed a couple diapers (something she never did with the Bunny, she said then, with a wrinkled nose, that she'd changed enough in her life and didn't plan on doing it ever again). So that is real progress. And she seems to really like this place. She says it reminds her of where she grew up in Connecticut so I'm sure all those positive feelings help her ignore the exposed insulation and wiring and subfloors. And the drama happening outside the window has her pretty riveted too.

Our geese, the indignant group of ladies, hatched three goslings the day after my mom arrived. The same day, a group of canadian geese arrived. We hadn't seen them around at all since May but now they're back. We had been guessing that maybe our geese were the culprits in the deaths of the canadians two goslings back in May and so the speculation that the pair had possed up and come back seeking vengance was hard to suppress. Well, the goslings are pretty cute and so it was extremely upsetting yesterday when dh and I discovered the X dog with a dead one in her mouth. She spends her days hunting rodents so it's hardly a stretch to see how tempting a fuzzy little gosling would be but I can't overstate how disappointed I was to see that she'd made the leap. And now I suspect that she was the one who offed the other two too. It was doubly sad too as I had only just saved one of the goslings from a footing hole. The adults were all crowded around the hole honking and flapping and obviously distraught and they all looked relieved and almost grateful when I scooped the little one out and he went flapping and squeaking back to his mom (whichever one she is). There was no doubt that they didn't want to lose one so the thought that maybe geese can't keep track of how many goslings they have kind of went out the window.

Well, my little gosling is awake now too and with that my time for blogging is up. Adios amigos!

Happy 4th of July

2008-07-06T08:00:00.002-07:00

Here's me and Ali G after the little 5k we did bright and early. We didn't break any ground speed records but we moved faster than we'd planned and had a good time doing it. And I was happy to give my 2008 Dingo shirt a real workout. Later Ali G got a medal which she wore with pride for the rest of the day.

Do you recognize the Bunny in the bee costume? Her group from camp took part in the parade (which was yet another moment that looked like Hollywood had been hired to do an idyllic small town scene). The parade was remarkably long for such a small town and this year's theme was island pets which meant tons and tons of dogs. Nearly all of them looked thrilled to be there, too bad the X dog isn't really a parade kind of girl and Ninj probably wouldn't have thanked us for taking him either.

Post parade we stopped in at a picnic that was packed with locals. There was music, food and face-painting but we only stayed for a Dove bar and the Bunny had a butterfly painted on her face.

Later that night we drove into town to watch the fireworks over the harbor. The setting was certainly beautiful but as far as fireworks displays go it wasn't any grander than a midsize wedding in San Miguel. But it sure was safe! But it did make us all a little wistful for our rooftop view back in SMA, though I'm sure X dog was very glad that the booms were 3 miles away instead of directly overhead!

All in all it was a nice way to spend the day.
As we drove home from the fireworks the Bunny said,
"So, what was that all about anyway?"

Sweeties

2008-07-05T13:32:00.000-07:00

Can you find the tooth nub in the second picture?

My little sushi eating monkey nuts. The bunny must have been japanese in a past lie, she gets panicky if she goes too long without her seaweed wrapped rice, raw fish is a bonus but not required.

Bats!

2008-06-29T21:38:00.004-07:00

So the Bunny did a stint as a Bat in the Missoula Children's Theatre production of Snow White and the Seven Dwarves. It was fun and goofy and she had a blast and the whole thing from auditions to strike only lasted 6 days.

This reminded me again that somehow I want to be part of recreating the best part of my childhood for other kids by doing/starting/leading/supporting a children's theatre. How? When? I have a huge home project and two kids but is that really any excuse? Won't the Bunny Kill me if I get around to it when she's too old? Yes. Definitely. So what am I waiting for? I don't know. A partner I guess. How do I get smart/organized/confident/qualified to do it alone? I don't know!
Argh. Guess 'd better get my a$$ over to that theatre and start meeting potential partners!
On with the slideshow...

Long Days of late spring

2008-06-15T06:44:00.003-07:00

So the sky is completely light at 4:30 am around here. It's 6:45 now and it's in my eyes but at least 6:45 is a moderately reasonable time to be up and about. 4:30, not so much.

On Friday we picked up the Bunny at school as the happy bus drivers pulled away honk honk honking about summer vacation. We caught the next ferry after a picnic in the park overlooking the marina and were off on our Camping Weekend! Then things started to go wrong.

Xoche bit some nice lady on the ferry. We weren't there to see it but apparently Nice Lady came over to say hello to Xoche who was hanging out on the truck bed and X Dog bit her. I'm sure the Nice Lady wasn't lying because I could tell Xoche was hiding a dark secret by the way she held her ears down. I've suspected for a long time that Xoche was the kind of dog who'd get called home for the big nap early due to Snappy Old Bitchiness but I think her countdown may really have begun. Since we've been here and she's been spending most of her time hunting vole or sleeping she just seems to be going slightly feral, and we can't have that, not with two little kids trying to love her.
So then we breeze through customs (yeah, what's that about? Can't the do the customs check between Victoria and SJI so that all of us innocents from the island aren't held up and intimidated?) I'm sure I'll have more indignation about that in future posts so I'll save it.
So then we get halfway to Bellingham and Dh realizes that he never packed the tent. I was on picnic lunch and clothes duty so I didn't pack it either. Doh.
When we arrive at the campsite we also realize we don't have diaper wipes but we sure do have a poopy diaper to deal with. We organize the freshy and toilet paper and unwrap the baby. Holy Mother of Poopy Babies! It's one of those blowouts that defies belief. We try to contain it but finally realize that the only answer is running water. I run with Ali G, dangling, stripped down, dripping poo and already lip chattering (still no teeth in there) through the adjacent sites to the bathroom. We rinse her off in the sink with the cold cold water and then warm her up under the hand dryer which luckily is nice and warm. She looks completely stunned that we could be so mean. She doesn't even really cry I think she thinks she's dreaming.
It's pretty nice out and the campground looks inviting so we decide to try rigging up a tent using the tarps we brought and padding the bed of the truck with an inflatable mattress. It sounds good while the sun is still up but by the time we come back from dinner (this being one of those eat-out camping trips) it is seeming less fun to me. But Dh really needs this to work out. He's been getting nuttier and nuttier as terrible allergies and island fever team up with an aching back team up in his sanity. So he rigs it up while I wrangle girls.
As the Bunny, Ali G and I tour the campground we bump into a raccoon. Well, he's on a tree right next to us byu the time we notice him and he climbs up higher when we make eye contact. Cool. Wildlife.
There is a sign at our campsite that warns of Excessive Train Noise. Yeah, whatever. We all grin smugly. Until the first train comes through and Ali G nearly rips off my nose trying to get away from the sounds.
Finally the tent is ready and it looks pretty snug. We all climb in. There isn't nearly enough space for us to expect to sleep well but by now it's after 10 and we don't have the heart to start looking for a hotel.
The raccoon starts in immediately on our food which we left out. Dh chases him off and stashes the goods and the dog in the cab.
Hours tick by. The trains come and go. The girls are out cold. Dh and I are cold. The tarp above us is gathering condensation and threatening to start dripping. I forget the cardinal rule about never touching the inside of a tent. It drips on my face. My back and neck and shoulder are locked into an excruciating position. If I move, Ali G screams like I've knifed her. Finally the Bunny begins to cough in a way that triggers all my maternal fear and vigor and I call it. That's it, I say, we're going.
We don't really know where to go. I'm thinking north for a motel by the border (there have to be some right?), Dh votes for the place we've stayed in before closer to the ferry. We head south. At 3:30 everything in town is either closed or has no vacancy. We give up and get on line at the ferry for the first boat home.

So anyway. Enough of that. This week we also had the fortune (so far so good) to find a KitchenAid double wall oven at the second hand shop for a tenth of it's new price. Dh wired it up and it heated up right away. It's white, not stainless but that's okay, it'll go with the cabinets that I want to paint white. That was at the very top of my Kitchen Wish List so that's pretty cool.
I wrenched my neck big time while putting my hair in a pony tail I finally realized it was probably due to all the jumping jacks we do at TKD that sowed the seed of discontent. It sucks to be in pain. I know this is temporary and I did get a laugh out of all the things I did over the course of the week that aren't recommended for people with back pain. I fell through the seat of a chair at the thrift store with Ali G in my arms, tried to sleep in the bed of the pick-up, helped haul the double oven out of the truck, tried to look over my shoulder once or twice. You know, stupid shit like that.
Dh has been having a super hard time this week. We have finally figured out that the lovely but evil Scotch Broom plant is causing him some excruciatingly awful allergies which are triggering depression and are somehow related to his lower back pain. It's been rough. It's hard enough that the transition out of SMA was hardest on him but it's even worse that the transition to SJI is also. Hopefully having a designated allergen will help focus the malaise away from a general fear and loathing of San Juan Island and everything in it and center the battle on eradication of the plant and restabilizing relations with the island. Let's all surround dh in a bright white light in the meantime yes? Today's plan for Father's Day? Finding a church.

Hello! Foal!!

2008-06-10T19:25:00.000-07:00

So we had some big drama here today! This morning a mare next door had a baby, in the pasture, in the rain, with 4 other young mares there hassling her and her baby. From chatting with our neighbor, D, about this mare in the past we had a feeling that he didn't even know she was pregnant so we tried calling him but he wasn't home. A little while after I looked out and saw that the baby was walking into the electric fence and the mother was so distressed about the other horses she wasn't bothering to try to stop it. I thought that maybe if I went out and got close to the fence it might make her move her baby away from it so I went out. I brought some towels too, in case I could try to cover the baby. It was only about 48 degrees outside and drizzling and I was having flashbacks to Ali G having hypothermia. So, although I wasn't at all sure that our neighbor would welcome my intervention I couldn't sit and do nothing. I did get the towels on her back and they lasted for a few minutes succeeded in pushing the pair farther into the pasture and away from the fence.

We tried calling the school in the hope that they'd have an emergency number for D but after an hour more with no help on the scene we ended up calling the island's large animal vet who managed to contact D within minutes and soon enough he was running through the field with the vet and they quickly got a halter on mom. As they led the mother and baby through the pasture the other horses raced around like maniacs, they were obviously very excited though I don't know if it was joy or rage they were exhibiting.

Later on I went out to retrieve my towels and D came over to meet me. He said he'd had no idea that she was pregnant. In fact, she'd been bred but the vet had declared her not to be pregnant and they'd given up on the idea for this year. So he thanked me for calling around to find him and assured me that both mother and baby were safe and happy now that they were in their own corral.

Now we're watching a vulture and a bald eagle in a stand-off over the amnion which is still in the field, just across from our kitchen window! I've been trying to get a good picture but so far, no luck.

Never a dull moment here eh?

Mold!!

2008-06-06T22:35:00.000-07:00

Well,yesterday we had an interesting time. We met some really nice people and joined in a couple of crazy-happy community events, a toddler and baby hour at the library and a music class for families that was too cute for words, think an aging baby boomer with a guitar, a magic wand and a floorful of kids between 6 months and 6 years old all singing and dancing together. We also got invited to a potluck after the music class which gave us a chance to see some islanders in their natural setting and it was completely pleasant.

We also heard that there were once stickers on every window of our house warning people about the toxic mold growing inside. Stickers? Not when we came to see it! Now the reluctance of our realtor (and her above-and-beyond cleanup before our arrival) and the acceptance of our super-low offer are beginning to make more sense. Well, we knew there was mold in the house, we could see it after all. And we knew we were taking a gamble by not having an inspection done before we bought the place. So... here we are, freaked out afresh about the mold but a little more determined to eradicate it. But overall, it was a great day. I felt right at home with the couples we met, I finally feel like I've found my peer group. Not just a few like minded loners but an actual pool of people who are just like me. They shop at the thrift store, strive for natural births, try to fork out the money for organic stuff, use cloth diapers, like potlucks, wear fleece and tevas, you know what I mean and you know who you are! Anyway, it's not like I'm the last of some dying breed but everywhere I see a mother with a baby on this island (and I see them EVERYWHERE) I see someone who looks familiar enough that I ignore my shy self and strike up conversations. I haven't felt this outgoing since I started at RIC, and that was great too.

Here are my favorite girls. Ali G can finally sit on her own and she loves it. The Bunny also is loving that her little sister is finally getting big enough to be more interactive (though there are still the flashes of jealousy.)

My Birthday Raccoon!

2008-06-03T11:10:00.001-07:00

Xoche treed this little guy last night for me. She was very proud of herself.

So I'm celebrating this year's birthday with a membership to the TaeKwonDo studio down the street from us. I'm very excited, I've wanted to get involved with a martial art sonce I can remember and I was literally head over heels for a cardio kickboxing class way back in our Deer Creek days. The Bunny was so impressed by my new Gi (sp?) that she wants to join too. If only I could get dh to start we'd be like the Incredibles. lol
Other than the birthday punching and kicking, I feel like I'm making some headway on making friends. I went on a SeeMommyRun walk yesterday with a nice woman (who also is into TKD incidentally and who encouraged me to start, I bow to her in gratitude for being my catalyst!). She also pointed me toward a Mommy-Baby group that sounds cool. I'm missing today's group at this very moment because Ali G crashed out 10 minutes before it was time to leave and it's raining unusually hard. So, you know, you can't do everything at once. But it's okay. I met another mom who had 9 month old boy twins (who were standing and crawling!! Ali G look away!) at the library and we commiserated about 10:30 being right in the middle of nap time. But there is also a family music class on Thursdays that sounds cool and she invited us to a potluck at her house after this week's class so I'm going to try to hit that with the family in tow, dh too. Poor guy, he's got terrible allergies! I'm praying that they are being brought on by some short-lived pollen and not the house! Please god don't let him be allergic to the house itself! That possibility is too dreadful to consider honestly. This place is my dream home, I would be too sad to discover that it's uninhabitable for dh.
What else? I've volunteered to join a Relay For Life team. I don't know much more then that it is an all-night event and the point is to raise money for cancer research but it sounds like the kind of event that would attract kind and interesting people so, I'll give it a go.

So, that's the update for Birthday 2008. Now it's time to get back to regularly scheduled life, folding laundry washing dishes. Ahh, I love it!

Progress report

2008-05-24T22:19:00.004-07:00

Just cuteness

Waiting for Nick and the trailer at Frys

Getting loaded and unloaded

Starting point

In process

Getting there

Evening on the pond

Grandpa and his girls

Hold Up Pony!

2008-05-22T07:46:00.001-07:00

Okay so I'm calling a full stop for myself today.
Yesterday I never made it to the shower since the moment I opened my eyes I was on - I know everyone with kids knows exactly what I'm talking about. Anyway, fast forward to 4:45, we're at the supermarket and we see our realtor across the produce section. We've been wanting to invite her and her husband over for a meal to thank them for all the work they did cleaning up this house for us. So anyway, I notice she is doing that thing you do when you're sort of hoping to avoid someone, kind of pointedly looking in the opposite direction like you are totally focused on the beets. Well, had I been alone I would have taken the hint and gone on my way but since the Bunny was shouting "D! D! Over here!" I went ahead with Plan A. So she seemed happy enough to say hi but when I invited her for dinner on Friday she looked truly alarmed and asked, like 5 times, "Are you [I]sure [/I]you're up to it?"

Well. When we got home I thought I'd install this mirror that has been hanging around on the floor for three weeks and when I did, well I would have been trying to avoid me too.

Seriously.

I looked completely insane. An escapee off my meds. My glasses (hadn't had a chance to put in contacts) were crooked and smudged, my hair (unwashed in 4 days? 5 days?) was up in a ponytail but with frizzy bits popping up and away all over making my look electrocuted. My old maternity t-shirt was sporting a big ole coffee stain right over the belly and my muffin toppin' gut was giving it that special silhouette. My jeans were hanging off in that snoop dog way and my fleece vest looked about three sizes too small over it all. And the worst part is that neither dh nor dd1 (our resident fashionista) had bothered to say anything to me before letting me out in public! Maybe I've set my bar so low they didn't realize I'd crossed into the danger zone. So today I am dedicating to showering (check), taming the eyebrows, and tracking down all the clothes that are just plain appalling and turning them into rags. And tomorrow I'm going for Farm Wife Cinderella so our friend can relax and enjoy her food without wondering if she's somehow enabling a nervous breakdown by coming to dinner!

Dingo Meet-up!

2008-05-20T23:45:00.002-07:00

Sparkletruck and Plady meet-up!
ABQ 4-10-08

2008-04-29T22:29:00.002-07:00

We made it!

And it only took 15 days to move two adults, two kids, one dog, one cat, three vehicles (one disabled) and a trailer 3125 miles from central Mexico to San Juan Island WA!

Apart from the first night out when the truck’s fuel pump died just outside of Monterrey and the next day when the Jeep’s battery gave up the ghost in Del Rio we were miraculously free of mechanical trouble. The VW camper aka Toady rolled right out of the shed where it had been on blocks since 2001. And, though the shed it had been in was riddled with Black Widow webs there was no sign of any inside.

We had no real problems towing either the trailer or Toady though the truck was pushing itself toward its limits on the big mountain passes we had to cross in Idaho and Washington. We had great weather all the way through though the temperature went from 95 degrees in Uvalde TX to 45 in Fort Stockton overnight. We saw gorgeous red rock desert in Bluff UT, high plains in New Mexico, snow 15 feet deep at the top of Snoqualmie pass above Seattle and now, the most beautiful area yet, the fabulous mix of farmland, pine forest, sea coast and snow-capped mountain views that make up San Juan Island. We even got to meet up with a real live Dingo in ABQ! That was cool. It was one of those experiences that is just what you hope it will be. It felt like Sparkletruck and I had known each other for much longer than 1 lunchtime, as I suppose, we have. But it was cool. And somewhere I have a picture which I will load when I find it.

The house was in vastly better shape than any of us had dared to hope. It was relatively clean, mold-free (thanks to our intrepid real estate agent and her husband) and within the first 48 hours we had power, heat, hot water and a stove to cook on. Our visions of camping in Toady and a tent in the yard have come to nothing, we’re each in comfortable bedrooms on cozy mattresses on the floor.

The pond at the house has been a pleasant surprise too. We knew it was there of course but had never investigated it’s depth or clarity. It turns out that it is crystal clear and very deep, well over my head in the middle. We also discovered a floating raft with a paddle that the Bunny has taken to paddling around. She is also an avid angler as it turns out. She has a rod and reel and her first stop on this first Saturday was the edge of the pond where she cast in for over an hour in hopes of bringing in a fish. So far we haven’t seen any but we are planning on having it stocked, with what we don't know.

So it has been a week full of happy discoveries and relative calm. The Bunny is already deep into the first grade here now. We arrived last Tuesday, by Wednesday morning she was begging to go meet her new teacher so we stopped in to sign her up and on Thursday morning she started. The best part is how happy she is getting on the bus when it stops at the end of our driveway!!!! She has already said that she likes this school even more than her old one, I think it was the huge library that won her over but she seems to have already made some friends too and is just as happy as can be. And that tells us that as crazy as it sounded for us to up and leave everything we had been doing, it was the right choice.

What is it with Utah?

2008-04-19T06:55:00.001-07:00

There was not one diaper changing table in any public bathroom in Utah. Do mormon babies never need a change or do they just not go out in public?

Three days down, how many to go?

2008-04-10T07:47:00.000-07:00

We've made it to west Texas, whew. It hasn't been like the old pre-kids road trips, that much I can say for sure! Our first day we didn't get going until late morning, not the pre-dawn we'd hoped for. Dh wanted to try to get to this little town about an hour south of the border where he felt our caravan would be safe. We stopped for dinner late, just past Monterrey and when we went out to continue on to the next stop the truck wouldn't start. So at 11:00 at night we had to get a mechanic to come check it out. Thankfully it was Mexico where you don't need AAA and a million bucks to get some guys to pop out your fuel pump in the parking lot and the install a new one at midnight. It did not seem like an auspicious beginning to our trip though.

So that was the first night, we finally pulled in to the hotel at 2 am. We got a nice late start the next day, spent a good long time at customs where they x-rayed our cars (who knew?) and then made it to Uvalde in time to catch a little of The Biggest Loser (go girls!!!!) and get a swim in. The pool was just a little one so I swam in place by doing freestyle into the ladder, I don't know if it would count as real exercise or not but it felt good after 700 miles in the car (and in the 95 degree heat!!! Holy Cow is Texas hot already!!!!)

Today we only made it to Fort Stockton. We stopped for gas in Del Rio and when I got back in my car wouldn't start! Again we had great mechanic karma, I hadn't even reached for my AAA card yet when a mechanic came over and offered to help. He had a shop a couple blocks away and quickly figured out that we had a lame-o battery and all the a/c, radio/laptop charging/trailer lights had sucked it dry so we got a bigger battery installed pronto and got on the road again. And here we are in windy Ft Stockton. The wind right now is so strong it is kicking waves out of the pool! Seriously. The last hour of driving today SUCKED> Ali G screamed the entire time. Her carseat is really old, a little too big and just clearly not comfy (nor probably safe). I had a perfect replacement in my hands this morning when we went to get dd1 a booster seat to make her street legal. I can tell you I kicked myself that whole hour for cheaping out and not just buying it.

So! That's our story so far. The dog is doing great, the cat is pretty freaked (and needs a round of antibiotics that I'd been hoping I could skip but don't think is wise to any longer) and dh and I are doing okay. The girls are doing great for the most part but I think 300 miles is our maximum mileage before they go insane each day.

Okay, time to go.

2008-03-31T07:56:00.002-07:00

So I just had yet another confirmation that it is time to repatriate. Today I took the Bunny up to school, it being the first Monday after a two week break and all. We get up there and the only other parent is the woman who we normally car-pool with (who incidentally C and I waited on for 10 minutes before finally deciding to leave this morning ) and who is a recent transplant from Colorado. The headmaster guy comes out with a big smile, oh no! There's no school today! Of course not! We're making up the official holiday that fell on Good Friday this year! Wouldn't want to screw the kids out of an official holiday now would we?
HE thinks it's really funny that we didn't just know. Not that there has ever been a freaking school calendar passed out or anything. Oh right, the day before vacation they probably wrote the notice on the dry erase board they stick at the gate for important notices. And putting up the sign a few days in advance just wouldn't be freaking Mexican!!!!

Okay. Time to go home.

How fun to find that by cutting a pasting my post from the dingo board that the little smileys come too!

Before and After

2008-03-30T08:28:00.001-07:00

Before - December 31 2007

After - March 30 2008

Well, there it is. It's not quite as dramatic a transformation as I'd dared to hope but the past four weeks have been far less conducive to focused body work than I'd planned. Between the drama of finding renters, the massive upheaval of our kitchens, the long weekend in Mexico City and just that general sense of stress and urgency about packing, sorting and procrastinating, I'm totally okay with where I made it. I've got if not a lovely wardrobe at least a functional one.

And so the plan from here is to fit in some runs when I can, walk when I can, and if I ever find my fricking yoga mat, keep up with push-ups, crunches and stretching. I know my sanity will hinge on it as we start our slow move northward (in 8 days).

Now back to our scheduled freaking.

10 Days left!

2008-03-28T05:50:00.002-07:00

Gulp.

The good news is, we have finally found the perfect renter!
She is single, no pets, a landlord herself, retired from a mechanical drafting career. She seems totally sane, very calm, realistic and wouldn't you know it but she lost a baby at birth too. There sure are a lot of us out there.

So that's a huge load off. Oddly once the deal was done although I feel great about our renters (the other one is a single guy with no pets) I didn't feel the elation I'd expected, I felt sort of depleted and weak. I almost thought I was catching something but I feel fine this morning, I'm just up two hours earlier than normal trying to get my head around the next steps in the process of uprooting our life and moving it into the great unknown.

The Bunny is freaking. She has finally opened the floodgates and she claims that she's not going. Poor little kid. Dh and are trying to just be with her, we know we can't reassure her much more so we're taking the only other option which is to just try to be very present.

Ali G is doing great. She of course is oblivious to the big changes happening around her but she's prepping up a couple of teeth to pop out when we all load up to head north. But she is super sweet. I really would never have dared hope that we could have another baby as sweet and easy as the Bunny had been but we got one!
So, even though my brain is teeming with things I'd like to write, now that I'm here I can't think of anything! Argh.

Well, I'll be back, next time with more pictures and maybe even some deep thoughts.

Mexico City isn't so scary! But the US Embassy is Butt Ugly!

2008-03-22T09:25:00.002-07:00

Here are pictures of our very happy trip to Mexico City. After getting Ali G her final piece of documentation, her US Citizenship at last, we embarked on a full scale touristy weekend in el distrito federal.

2008-03-22T07:37:00.001-07:00

Here's one giggly baby. Three points to anyone who can identify the movie she isn't laughing at!

Body For Life time almost up!

2008-03-11T11:35:00.003-07:00

Whew! Well, I have been keeping fairly disciplined with my BFL weight training since December 31. Not too bad, a few missed workouts (all lower body). I have dropped the interval training in favor of a walk and coffee with my buddy and Dh and I have switched over to doing Atkins in the past couple weeks instead. So it isn't all quite as focused as I had envisioned when I began but considering all the rest of the things happening around here I'm not really worried. I've gotten back into the skinnier of the jeans I was in pre-Ali G and that was really where I wanted to be by now. SO success! I did just find my workout journal from the Spring of 2005, pre-Wendy pregnancy and I can see that I was significantly fitter. So that gives me a nice solid goal to continue working towards. I remember that I felt really fit and comfortable in my skin those days and I recall that size 8 is the easiest size to find good deals on at thrift shops. But for now I'm cool.

Last week I threw some push-ups back into my workout and I was frankly astonished at how many muscles I could feel recovering from them a couple days later. Yesterday I tried to repeat the same sets but had to resort to girlie push-ups. In any case, today in the NY Times I saw this article. I gave myself the test, counting up to 35 (and doing girlie push-ups since there's no extra credit for doing *real* ones.. I figured that if someone was holding a gun to my head I could do some more without pausing but it seemed like a fair place to stop for a baseline. My score was 78 and considered "good". I'm cool with that too! I do love these quantitative fitness tests (at least when I pass! lol)

A tooth story.

2008-03-09T12:38:00.001-07:00

Hmm

2008-03-02T08:52:00.002-08:00

So now I'm this card, based only on my name. I was going to try to get the code right so anyone curious could take that first quizzie I posted but this is all I could come up with. Oh well! What is it about these doey quizzes that makes them so irresistable? Now I'm going to go see what Monster I am!!!

You Are Strength

You represent both fiery energy and steadfast will.

You are innocent and naive - yet unafraid and undaunted.

Perhaps you don't have the most powerful physical strength...

But your mental powers make up for any amount of muscle.

Your fortune:

Lately, you have been a pillar of ethics and moral strength.

And while things may be difficult, your faith in yourself will come through.

You may need to conquer the animalistic nature of yourself or others, with gentle force.

Although this may seem like the darkest hour for you, victory is near.

What Tarot Card Are You?

Happy Leap Year!

2008-02-29T20:39:00.002-08:00

So, yeah, I already new this but it was still kind of fun to see it play out in this little quizzie (as my old AP Bio teacher would say). Please, anyone who isn't the High Priestess, just leave me a comment to let me know. My cynical self thinks this is the only possible outcome.

You are The High Priestess

Science, Wisdom, Knowledge, Education.

So a friend of mine who I haven't seen since before Christmas (for crying out loud) called me this morning and we went for coffee and she offered to watch the kiddos tonight so of course I took her up on it (a down comforter isn't a too-bad trade for two hours of babysitting is it?) and DH and I had a nice time downing martinis around the corner. Too bad the owner wanted to comp us some drinks after we'd already had all we could handle. I don't have a clue how he knows us but on the few occasions that we've gone in he has been übercordial. So anyway, a good time was had by all, except for in the last few minutes before we got home when Ali G decided to sound the alarm. But, one down comforter later and all is forgiven right?

2008-02-27T11:34:00.002-08:00

Forward Motion Returns

2008-02-27T09:38:00.003-08:00

Phew!
We finally have Ali G's birth certificate ! Once we'd gathered all the documents that were required it was actually pretty efficient. We got the paperwork approved one day and typed up and stamped the next. And nobody noticed that my immigration papers have expired.
And I also got a nice long morning in with my friend and we tried out the newest coffee place in town which turned out to be great. Awesome omelette, awesome french press. Mmmmmm. Definitely going back, certainly before Starbucks arrives - two blocks from our house! No, I am happy that Starbucks is coming. Why? Shouldn't I be a knee-jerk anti-chainista? Well, depends on the chain. I don't think SB is all that bad in the ethics and service and raping the planet way. And they've got a much more sophisticated approach to selling coffee than the local places here do. I took dd out for a coffee one day recently and we literally had to order 4 times because the lady making the coffee didn't approve of her having one (or something, but I think that was it). Anyway, I'm all for small businesses but it won't be just because of the big name if they fail in SB's wake. After all, Subway came and got their ass kicked by the awesome torta shops in town. It can go either way.
Anyway. Today I tried to break my bad workout juju. I was poised to blow off yet another lower body weight training session, for some reason they don't interest me the way upper body workouts do. I thought that instead (lame but not total surrender to inertia) I'd go to the track and walk with my buddy. Walking + talking = a real workout right? But once that was done I thought about what a total loser I'd be if I left it at that, and thought about things that are really a lot harder to do than driving oneself to the gym and pushing some weights around. And, inspired by that thought I did it. The gym was chock-full of Gay Boy and Geezers today. And poodles. What is up with poodle (the little kick-me kind) owners thinking that it's cool to bring their dogs everywhere? I don't really mind the dogs, it's just that wafting smell of entitlement coming off the crotchety old owner who also happens to be hogging (not using) the seated hamstring curl machine. It's one of those times when I wish I had my dog and I wish she ate little kick-me poodles.
Okay, Ali G is all set with waiting for me. Time to cruise.

Doldrums

2008-02-21T14:09:00.002-08:00

Blah.
That's today's feel.
I feel stalled on my exercise and energy. I mentioned that I've started back on Atkins right? Well, I'm in ketosis, that nirvana state of burning my very own fat to power my bod. Only the bod doesn't want to be powered. It wants to sleep. Or maybe practice the piano. Or really, go watch Oprah or Ellen or whatever late afternoon talk show is on cable. But Ali G is sleeping too close to the TV and too far away from the piano and Auggie is upstairs dismantling the birdcage (bye bye Birdie! Beaker all gone!). So, here I continue to sit in the vortex of my office chair. I did try out a new ab routine. I couldn't decide if they were totally kicking my ass or if my muscles are still so overstretched and numb that I couldn't do them right. I stretched a little and it was excruciating. The sciatica in my right foot seems to be contagious, I could swear I'm feeling that tingle in my left one too now. And that lower back pain is freaking killing me. I can't stand up straight for like 3 minutes every time I try. Fuck!
I suppose I also have PMS. If I didn't know I was in fat-burning mode I might convince myself that some sweet coffee thing would help my mood. But I don't want to blow the last three days of carb-free eating just because I'm feeling pissy.
Bitch Moan Bitch Moan Bitch Moan. Whatever, it's my blog.

Oh, and the latest HOT LEAD on selling this white elephant of a house is definitely not interested. They wanted a colonial in centro only not this colonial and not this centro. Whatever.

grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

Week in Review

2008-02-21T04:55:00.001-08:00

So it figures that the day that I finally am alive enough to wake up early for a little quiet alone-on-the-computer time, Ali G wakes up chirping first and then the internet is down.

But it feels like ages since I’ve had a chance to sit at the computer with two hands and type and think, both at the same time.

Valentine’s Day

I just want to mark the passing of Valentine’s Day. It was last week and this year, like every year I can remember, it seems that the majority of my women friends end up with their feelings bruised by the partners in their life who have VDRS or Valentine’s Day Resistance Syndrome. Why is it that so many men cannot bring themselves to acknowledge the holiday dedicated to celebrating love? Yes, we all know that Hallmark makes a killing and that Kay Jewelers ads make otherwise sane women suddenly fantasize about getting a piece of unexpected jewelry. So the marketing is heavy handed and the flowers cost 3 times as much as usual. But is that really an excuse to ignore the day? Isn’t the idea, the tradition of celebrating those you love a nice one? I have suffered through many a Black Thursday (or whichever day of the week) myself and it sure does get old. And when VDRS goes undiagnosed or untreated it can do serious harm to a relationship. Some women I know claim that they have ruled that the holiday be ignored in order to spare their feelings. I can understand why they would try to defend themselves that way, fighting fire with fire. But over time I wonder if it really works?

Happily for me Dh is beginning to overcome the disease. This year, though there was no token of affection awaiting me on the actual day, we did go out on the weekend for a very nice dinner. We had a great time too. It was a nice restaurant but the prices were lower than we’d expected, a welcome surprise! Sad to say that Ali G and the Bunny didn’t have nearly such a good time. When we got back the two of them looked as stressed as the babysitter as Ali G had yelled the whole time we were gone.

Body For Lifing

This week I’ve been feeling stuck with my Body For Life challenge. I’m halfway through and since my last weigh in day I feel like I haven’t made any progress. I’ve even missed a couple of lower body weight workouts and that gets me down too. So, to help reinvigorate myself I’m starting Atkins again. I don’t want to turn this into a boring let’s-talk-about-my-weight blog so I’ll just say that the low carb way is historically for me the most effective way for me to shed fat. So far I’ve been on the < style=""> I’m a total space cadet today but I am sure that by tomorrow I’ll feel a lot better and start to see some positive reinforcement pretty soon after that.

Short Timer Syndrome

Some good friends of ours who moved away a couple years ago first told us about this condition. They’d noticed that once they started closing their business, having garage sales and selling their stuff in preparation to leave some of their friends started to pull back and be less and less available to them. Now it’s my turn. I’ve noticed that one of my good friends is starting to drift a bit. It’s one of those things I guess. But I won’t pretend that it doesn’t bum me out and make me a little grouchy. After being blown off twice now my inclination is to stop asking, you know? And that doesn’t feel quite right either, but honestly, how many times do you need to hear the same answer before it sinks in?

The Joads - Take One

2008-02-12T07:03:00.000-08:00

This Sunday we finally got back out to the country for the day after a long hiatus. We spent the first hour or so learning how to drive our Jeep with the trailer attached. Dh had driven the trailer once before from where it was parked when we bought it but I had never done it. We took it over to a soccer field to teach ourselves how to back up. I found it to be easier than I'd anticipated and I was quite proud of myself for backing it all the way up the driveway and parking it neatly outside the house. It was fun to be learning a new skill too. It's been too long since I've learned a whole new thing. I'm looking forward to more of that this year!

2008-02-08T08:31:00.000-08:00

Ready to Go

2008-02-07T09:21:00.000-08:00

Every morning as I drive dd to school I end up with a mild strain of road rage. Whether it is the guy in the Excursion who takes up even more of the narrow street than he needs, the pedestrians who NEVER look before wandering into the road, the traffic cop who is randomly waving a red rag and effectively making an intersection even more unpredictable and dangerous, the madness of setting up for a left turn across traffic when my signal means both "I'm turning left" and "Come around, it's safe to pass" or the dump truck/bus/car that is spewing the most noxious fumes imaginable I am guaranteed to finish the trip with extra adrenaline pumping through my veins.
Yesterday I found myself fuming figuratively and literally that one of the Bunny's friend's parents hadn't ever offered to carpool to the girls' swimming lesson. Because of road construction (another irritant) it is an even longer drive from school to the pool. When we first started the classes I suggested we carpool. I followed up by offering to do the first trip which they happily accepted. And that was that. Yesterday I ended up following the father into the school parking lot, picked up our girls simultaneously and then continued to drive behind him the whole 12 miles to the pool.
It just pissed me off so much. How hard would it be to alternate? I'd be overjoyed to not have to make that trip every other week. Wouldn't you?
HEAVY SIGH.

2008-02-04T05:58:00.000-08:00

So who would have guessed that a Stephen King story about a guy trapped in a haunted hotel room would prove to be relevant? But it was. We watched 1408 on Saturday night. I wasn't really in the mood for horror but it was the only movie in the shop that I'd checked the reviews on and for which they hadn't been awful. And wouldn't you know it but ole John Cusak is healing badly from his daughter's death. I must say, once that point was revealed it ceased to be scary for me any more and only became poignant. In fact, I've had that dream too. It's a nightmare and then suddenly I'm holding Wendy in my arms and she's alive. For a moment. And then she's dead again and it's awful. But I'd gladly go through the nightmare for another fleeting moment of holding her alive.

Happy Birthday Wendy!

2008-02-02T06:58:00.000-08:00

I try to imagine what it would be like to have a little two year old running around, getting ready for her birthday party. What a nice day for a party this would be! the park is all decked out with flowers for the Candelaria celebration and I can just imagine Wendy in a sun dress picking out a special birthday flower, eating her cake, getting overstimulated and throwing a fit. All those two year old things. It is incredible to me that that was the possibility.
Instead we'll be having a cake in the shape of an angel on her behalf and dh and I are going out for a 5k run in her memory, a tradition I've picked up from the Dingos. It seems totally fitting since her loss was what got me on the run and it gives a nice quiet time for reflection.
Here is a link to Wendy's page.

Weigh-in Day

2008-01-31T10:17:00.000-08:00

Well, not exactly a weigh in, we sold our scale last Saturday. But a milestone in my 12 week plan nonetheless. Since December 31 I have now shaved 3 inches off my waist. Yeah. It feels good. And, the other day I got up to the 20 pounder dumbbells for my bicep curls. It has been years since I've been able to do that. I didn't even mind that one of the cuter gym boys was watching me struggle on the final rep. I think he was impressed. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

Recent Pix

2008-01-30T11:35:00.000-08:00

It seems like it's about time to get some fresh pictures here. So, voila!

2008-01-30T09:48:00.000-08:00

Boy time flies these days. I suppose that is always the case when you've got a deadline looming though.
Last week we held a 'garage' sale which helped us turn quite a lot of junk into money. We also had lots of stuff to donate so I feel like our karma came through okay too. I had felt a little weird about selling things in a place where so many people need so much but I guess we won't go directly to hell just for trying to recoup a little money for things rich gringas want.
It is nice to have some cleared spaces throughout the house too. For a while there the sheer volume of knickknacks around here was making me feel fairly anxious.

The Bunny is still feeling uneasy. On Friday dh had a talk with her after I came home in a fit over the firewall of negativity she'd been presenting. I was just full up on it and at a complete loss as to how to get someone to look on the bright side when they are determined not to. I'm not sure what he said, but it seems to be helping.

This weekend marks the second anniversary of our daughter Wendy's birth. The second is actually a holiday here celebrating the return of spring. Rebirth as it were. Wendy's coming and going certainly did mark a rebirth for me, one for which I will be forever grateful. I often think that that was her purpose. She didn't need a whole lifetime to achieve her goal. She was a short sharp shock. When I dare to ask myself if I would change anything I have to face the truth that I wouldn't. I don't care to imagine how life would have unfolded otherwise and I don't see that it would have been very likely to have it both ways. So there it is.

Remember The Facts of Life?

2008-01-16T09:39:00.000-08:00

Well, I have a vague memory of it being the kind of show my parents didn't let me watch but which I occasionally glimpsed at friend's houses. Something about Mrs. Huffnagle and Linda Blair? Am I making that all up? I'll have to check.(*ETA Mrs Hufnagle was a character on St. Elsewhere, a show I never watched and of course, Linda Blair was The Exorcist girl) In any case, we're now all hot on the possibility of turning this place his is as yet unsold and unrented!) into a boarding house for the type of single lady that tends to visit SMA on her own post-divorce/midlife crisis/revelation/reading of Eat Love Pray (okay, not fair, I haven't read it, I hear it can be life altering, I'm just sick of baby boomers telling every other generation that they 'get it' in a way that no one else does).
Anyway, a good friend of ours needs a new gig and loves it down here so she's mulling over the idea of running this place as some sort of boarding house.

Now I'm going to see how using bean puree in morning glory muffins tastes. I'll report back if it's any good!

Regrieving and Pregrieving

2008-01-10T08:49:00.000-08:00

Regrieving

My dad sent me an article about how kids have to regrieve with developmental milestones. It was apropos of a conversation about the Bunny suddenly feeling really upset about the death of our old dalmatian even though it has been over a year. She had just described it like a clock that had come full circle to point to the grief again. I was very glad to get the article to back her up because I was honestly feeling a little impatient about it. I really wish I didn't have that reaction. I want to be endlessly patient and sympathetic and yet I really feel like I just want her to move on, to stop focusing on sad past events and get over it already! I'm sure there is not just a little guilt about how I ran over the poor dog at play in my reaction yet even when we can see our private and unattractive motivations it's not that easy to reroute our behavior. However, knowing that she is just being a normal kid and not vindictively twisting the guilt knife in my back helps a bit.
Last night it came out that she also had a moment (how long, minutes? an hour? I have no real recollection) on the day that Wendy was born during which she thought that I had been the one that had died. I don't know how that happened. She says that dh just told her "someone died" without specifying. I suppose in the midst of such a shocking and tragic event it is possible if not likely that he wasn't specific. However it happened or didn't it makes me so sad to thing that on top of everything else she had that kind of fright that she'd lost her mother! The poor kid. When will it all fade out for her? And for me? She brought this up after asking me if I felt sad about "letting Wendy down". Sheesh, talk about a loaded question. I mean, now I know exactly how it happened that I let Wendy down but do I really have to rehash it all for my 6 year old? Is there really ever a time when a parent can level with their child about how small unrelated moments and mistakes and missteps build themselves into a deadly chain? Is there really a time when she'll be able to forgive me and dh for our inattention that robbed her of her sister? And how does one lay it all out without sounding either overly defensive or callously aloof? No obvious answers there!

Pregrieving

Recently my reading has included a very slow browse through James Howard Kunstler's The Long Emergency. A book about the disaster on the horizon for civilization as we know it when the oil runs out. It's not exactly a new idea but it is one I hadn't given a tremendous amount of thought to previously. So far I've only made it through the initial explanation of why oil is about to become obsolete and why alternative energy sources aren't going to be able to jump in and pick right up where oil leaves off. It's pretty depressing. Not just the prospect of modern life as we know it disappearing from the menu but the hubris that got us here. Of course hubris is nothing new, it brings down every major civilization doesn't it? And each new empire allows itself to believe it has learned from the mistakes of its predecessors. Well, whatever. Here we are and it will be our job to try to make the best of it, however the crisis unfolds. So recently I've been thinking more and more about the wisdom of emphasizing the skills of self-sufficiency. I'm not talking about caching weapons or anything too nutty, but I think it would be appropriate to learn and teach the girls how to grow a real sustainable garden, how to raise animals for food and transportation (yes Bunny! I do mean having a horse!), how to make instead of buy. I know that it won't be pretty for most of the world when the power goes off but I'm allowing myself to hope for the best for our upcoming new life on a small island.

Off to a good start

2008-01-04T14:57:00.000-08:00

So far so good on my new workout routine. Already I have been comically sore from my stepped up exercise but as I'm going from nothing to 6 days a week it is manageable. I really enjoy my time at the gym. I know that I could eventually get a set of dumbbells and a bench at home but it wouldn't be the same and I bet wouldn't workout nearly as regularly. Just the pressure of telling the guy at the desk that I'll see him in two days is enough to assure I return. I hope the one fitness club on SJI has a good feel as I expect to be visiting it regularly. They have a pool too and that rocks.

Thank you 2007!

2007-12-30T10:26:00.000-08:00

What a year 2007 turned out to be!
I remember sitting on the roof watching fireworks with the Bunny a year ago tonight not realizing that I was already pregnant albeit just barely.
So 2007 was that, being pregnant, probably for the last time. It sounds too jinxable to say in any surer tone that it was my final pregnancy so I'll leave that at that.

2007 was also finding an ever more solid support in my beloved Dingos. I am so grateful to have found them. I know what I'd be like without them and it would be like a time warp, me, on the same path but miles and miles farther back toward where I began.

DH and I have made such great strides toward that place where we are together. Much of the time it feels like we're there. Maybe just often enough I can feel that we aren't so that I don't get complacent, let it slip. But I think we both have a taste for it now and won't so easily forget ourselves.

The Bunny is growing every day. And growing is hard work. It isn't always pretty, it's frequently painful or awkward. Just tonight I held her while she cried again for our old dog. She still misses him viscerally, she feels his absence in a way that I do not any longer. She said that she can't get her happy thoughts, that her sisters have them. I encouraged her to start small, think about small happy thoughts, the fur of her tiger, the smile from her baby sister. But she said it didn't help and then she fell asleep. I don't know what to do, how to help her. And lately I haven't been very helpful at all. I need to take a lesson from my dingo sister DrJen and get some serious one-on-one time happening with her. We've been butting heads way too often recently and I think it is because she just needs more of me and is going to that any-attention-is-better-than-nothing place.

Ali G is growing too. She is a sweet little thing. She smiles a lot and really reminds me of the Bunny. Mostly calm and contented, except for when she's not. I am constantly surprised at how much joy I take in her blue blue eyes. It strikes me as ridiculously vain of me to be pleased with them, but I can't seem to help it. I guess it bothered me more than I wanted to admit that the Bunny looks so little like me. I suppose it's normal to be happy to see oneself reflected in one's children.
I do worry sometimes that I'm not as connected to her as I was to the Bunny. Like I somehow don't love her enough. It's always a little to easy to put her down, to let someone else hold her. Does that go back to my concerns over how she didn't smell right her first week? Is that some sad self-fulfilling prophecy? Are my expectations of maternal delight just unrealistically high for a subsequent child? Am I just feeling the pressure of the Bunny's need for me too much and transferring the anxiety onto the baby? Is it low grade PPD? I don't know, but it does worry me.

So things to work on in the coming year will be more or less the same I think. I want to find a balance of time with the Bunny and time with the baby and time with dh and time for me. For myself I've challenged myself to 12 weeks of fairly intense weight training and cardio work to get back to a comfortable fitness level. I feel too big, too achy and too old for my age right now so I decided to take advantage of the lifestyle here while it lasts.

So welcome 2008! I have faith it will be a year full of excitement, adventure, and challenges. I think we're all ready.

2007-12-15T06:37:00.000-08:00

Here's a picture my cousin sent me of me and Ali G that I thought was an honest reflection of how I feel these days.

Ali G likes to play with her dangling toys all by herself. It's weird. The Bunny was never into playtime that didn't involve another person.
One of her favorite toys is her Dingo rosary. How cool is that?

Thoughts on a facial

2007-12-15T06:09:00.000-08:00

Before
After

Well, I don't know. A friend of ours just sold a spa in town to another woman who offered me a free facial. All I remember of the only other facial I've ever had
was getting a lot of glop mushed around on my face and then, after being lulled into a feeling of false secutiry by some nice warm mush on my forehead, the startling and excruciating experience of an unexpected eyebrow waxing. But for free? Sure, I'll go again!
It was okay. I thought a lot about women who make this type of thing a habit. How do they justify the expense? They must be those women who smell expensive and know what's fashionable and what's not. That isn't me. I smell like Secret, baby spit-up, onions and garlic, lavender lotion, sandalwood sometimes, sweat sometimes. Hmm, maybe I do need a new me!

No, I don't think so. I'm comfortable the way I am. I've made attempts in the past to get into the habit of applying makeup (real makeup, powder, liner, base what have you, not just mascara) and perfume. But I've never tracked down the perfume I really like (it's the one that smells fresh and outdoorsy, light, springy like freshly washed hair, not heavy and sticky and snooty like some patron of the arts). And I've never really gotten the hang of the makeup thing. I can barely remember to moisturize. I definitely identify with Picabo Street, a chapstick kind of girl.

Anyway, while I was lying on the heated table wrapped in a terry cloth towel listening to some vaguely Christmassy choir/classical/trance music and feeling fairly claustrophobic at the scrutiny I knew my pores were under I did have a flash of entitlement. Vanity. I try not to be vain. I don't want to feel like the world revolves around me. I want to have healthy humility. And this facial business on encourages exactly the opposite reaction. Why is it so different than a massage? I don't know. Only that when I'm face down on a table having my muscles squeezed I'm not led to think about how I deserve to spend I-don't-even-know-how-much on a face cream with more "active ingredients" (as my spa technician recommended I look into). I usually just feel grateful that I have access to someone who knows how to push the evil out of my arms and legs and joints while silently vowing to start stretching so that next time it doesn't hurt so much.
So now I know. Facials don't do me any favors. Even ones with muy baja frequencia electrodes or whatever that Ultimate Lift machine was supposed to have.

rrrgh

2007-12-12T08:18:00.000-08:00

I don’t know how single mothers cope.

Dh has been in bed only for two days and I’m done. I thought I was actually doing pretty well, keeping it all going pretty smoothly up until I picked up the Bunny from school today. We have our piano lesson after school on Tuesdays. Today I’d arranged for Joan to take care of the baby while we had class. I was looking forward to having a chance to hang out and chat with her a bit when we picked Ali G up. However, when I reminded the Bunny that we had class she burst into tears and sobbed that she felt far too sick for that. It sounded a little fakey to me so I pressed her for her symptoms. Even though I don’t think she is sick or even getting sick, I was convinced that she’d be unreasonably difficult at a piano lesson, and since I didn’t know what else to do with two girls I canceled the class. I hate that. So I was pissed. Then I called Joan to cancel and she reminded me that she’s taking off for a couple weeks this weekend and then I wanted to cry. And that’s how I know that I’m fried on single parenting. And it’s been only, exactly, 48 hours.

2007-12-04T10:21:00.000-08:00

Confession!

2007-11-29T07:42:00.000-08:00

So last night the Bunny got very upset while watching the Grinch (or really one of the commercials for Santa Claus is Coming to Town). We asked her what was up and she burst into tears and said she'd doe something really super naughty and she wanted to tell us about it but was scared that she'd be punished and scared of what we'd say. We assured her that we'd be gentle seeing as how obvious it was that she was truly sorry for whatever her crime was. She wouldn't say it, wouldn't whisper it. Finally I asked if she wanted to draw a picture to tell us and she agreed.
The above was her confession. Back in St. Louis she had sneaked the cheese topping from some kid's pizza (I think the kid had already taken the cheese off of her slice and it was on the plate). She asked, trembling, what her punishment would be. We agreed that she could go free on time served since she'd been so wracked with guilt. I tried to hide how hard I was laughing.

I will sell this house today! I will sell this house today!

2007-11-28T08:46:00.000-08:00

That's my new mantra, thank you Annette Bening for the inspiration!
We have been running back and forth to the country like little crazed squirrels hiding nuts. We thought (think! Be positive woman!) that we had (have dammit!) a strong lead on a buyer for this big old house. A couple who has another B&B in town
expressed interest ("we've been thinking, we just want to buy it") and mentioned that they'd like to get in in time for Christmas guests. So dh and I went into hyperdrive to make sure that when they came to see the place everything they saw was included with the exception of some books, clothes and our computers. So that's how it is in the house. It is totally ready only when the couple came yesterday to see the place they seemed less than prepared to make an offer. Dang!
So, dh and I are trying not to be too bummed and to hold out hope that they'll give us a call in the not-too-distant future to discuss terms.
Fingers are crossed, affirmations are being repeated, breath held.

Okay, what I'm equally if not more distracted by (distracted from what? I don't know, I'm unemployed and have a generally cooperative pair of girls to look after) are all the renovations I'm itching to get started with on SJI. Here's my wish list:

Lift the house
Eradicate the mold issues
Assemble full basement
Build Wrap around porch
Design amazing kitchen space with office and living areas skillfully integrated
Install geothermal heat pump and radiant floor heating throughout downstairs.
Install laundry room on second floor
Install radiant floor heat in at least the bathrooms on the second floor
Install beadboard wainscoting, chair rail and base boards throughout house
Reroute staircase to its original position with landing and 90 degree turn
Add PV grid tied system to offset electricity costs by selling electricity back to the grid in the summer.
Have house tested for Radon gas

Okay, that's a partial list and I'm sure I've already racked up more thousands of dollars than we could possibly come up with but I figure if I don't know what I want I'll never get it for sure, right?

Oh, one other real estate happening; we've got a lead on a possible long term renter for the country place too! I out an ad on the yahoo group just to see what would happen and within 24 hours we had three interested parties. One of those is really into the solar aspect and we're taking them out on Monday for a look at it. We may even be able to offload our truck with them since they need wheels to get out there and are so psyched to live off the grid they talked of buying a car to do it! We have a bit more negotiating to do with them I'm sure. They don't know about the composting toilets or that dh is willing to out in a septic if the renters are right. And, they want (if they want it) the place no later than Feb 1! Just to keep the balls in the air!

And now I should post some pictures of my quickly growing baby and the Bunny. Pictures are the good part anyway. For a start here is our goofy kick-off to the holiday season:

Our Elfed selves.

Me and my girls hanging in the barcalounger.

Ninj and Ali G basketing together.

Our Thanksgiving setting.

Thankfulness

2007-11-15T07:04:00.000-08:00

So last Sunday we finally kicked off our all new weekly Family Virtues Meeting. We aren't as church-going as some families but it has begun to feel like there's a real hole there for us so this is our new thing. To kick things off and with my musings at the circus heavy on my mind the virtue we started off with was Thankfulness.
The Bunny loved it. She thrives on having the opportunity to talk about serious things with grown-ups and loves to be asked for her opinion. It was lovely.
We talked about how thankfulness is important because it helps us appreciate even the worst times. I talked a bit about how I am thankful for Wendy, even though her brief time with us was very sad and painful, she also brought us some precious gifts.
Building on that the Bunny talked about why she is thankful that she had her fish, even though they died. Who would ever have thought that a couple of goldfish could leave such a lasting impression? But she's such a sweet smart little kid and she just really gets it. I was reminded the other day of how when she was an infant she had a certain sense about her that she had been here, done this all already. A real old soul. Over the past couple of years of princesses and movies and playdates I'd lost sight of that about her. But it's still true. She's got a deep spiritual side and an understanding, an awareness that awes me.
A few months back she was seeing an art therapist to help her process her feelings about Wendy, Thurber, moving, the new baby on the way etc and the therapist (without consulting me in advance to check on our family's approach to God, I might add) told her they were going to make a "God Box" in which she could put all her worries and God would take care of it for her. The Bunny said, "I'm going to make mine for money instead" and she proceeded to decorate her box happily but refused to discuss the whole God part of it any further. Afterwards she seemed really upset. I asked her what was going on. She said that she didn't think that God (who, in the Bunny's mind is and always has been a woman) would have the time to deal with her problems. I tried to reassure her that God has the capacity to handle anything we throw at her, and with kindness and grace too. Then the Bunny said, "I don't know how to believe in God." Fair enough, most adults aren't totally clear on that one either are they? And considering that she was being asked on one hand to trust God with her troubles and on the other she'd been reassured by well-meaning but idiotic people that though her baby sister was dead, it was all part of God's plan, who wouldn't have trouble with that? Is God on her side or not? So anyway, all this to get back to our study of thankfulness and how something that seems really horrible can actually be a blessing and how I'm hoping that she and I and dh too can all find a comfortable place with God.
And of course, I hope that it will also make that wee little voice in her head a little louder about being thankful for what she has in the moment at the circus and to stop to savor it longer before focusing on the next thing she wants.